When lying is the right thing to doI can hear you now. “Of course I’m still an honest person! It’s impossible to be honest ALL the time and I am honest most of the time.” That justification seems to make sense. After all, there are certainly times where lying is more than justified. Take the classic moral case. An axe murderer shows up at your door looking for your roommate. You know your roommate is upstairs. If the axe murder finds him, he’s totally finished. So the axe murderer says, “Could you kindly tell me if your roommate is home?” Should you tell him? No. Duh. You lie. Because you had to, right? Wrong. You didn’t have to lie. You could have said, “Right this way, Tommy is upstairs!” Your buddy would be in a pretty terrible spot, but you could have told the truth. Now let me go on record as a big proponent of lying to axe murderers. I think that is the right thing to do. But here is my point: You never have to lie. You always have a choice. You have complete freedom of response, even if you don’t like the outcome. Don’t hide that from yourself. The question you have to ask yourself is not “Do I have a choice?” (you always do). The question is: “Is this lie worth it?” Axe murderers and roommates with lives on the line? Worth it. But what about lying to your boss about why you took the day off? Or a friend about having already left the house to meet him, when you’re actually still getting dressed? Or a girlfriend who will get mad if you tell her you were out partying with friends and flirting with other girls? These are the lies supposedly honest people tell day in and day out. And be honest. You tell them too.
Why do we lie?Axe murderers aren’t banging down your door. I’m willing to bet no lives are on the line when you decide to lie. So if you don’t have to, what justifies your lies? Convenience. You lie because it is advantageous to you.
- Lying to your boss spares your job (or at least a verbal lashing)
- Lying to your girlfriend keeps her off your back
- Lying to your friend about being late spares you their righteous indignation
Okay, but I like the advantages I get from lying and no one is getting hurt. Why be honest at all?Well, there are plenty of reasons. Some you might find more compelling than others. Here’s a rundown:
HONESTY CREATES LESS PAIN IN THE LONG TERMYou wake up with 5 million dollars in your bank account. Are you pleased? Seems obvious, right? Of course you are! Five million bucks – you’re over the moon. But it’s a trick question. Because if you went to bed with $10 million and you wake up with $5 million, you are not pleased at all. You are one pissed off camper. Why is that? After all, it’s the same $5 million dollars! Because reality did not match your expectations. Memorize this: circumstances do not upset people. Dashed expectations do. This clip from 500 days of summer illustrates the point beautifully: It’s not simply the things you do that upset or excite people. It’s the gulf between the things you do and what they expect from you. It is not the honesty that causes pain. The pain comes from when you created a rift between expectations and reality. I repeat: you don’t upset people by telling them the truth. You upset people by lying in the first place. The moment of honesty is just when you pay your debts. People associate honesty with pain because it is in the moment of honesty that pain occurs. That’s like associating your monthly credit card payment with pain. The debt was incurred when you bought something. The monthly payment is just clearing the account. So if you’ve been living a life that includes lies, you have some debt to clear. And it doesn’t matter if those lies are implicit (Your boss thinking you’re planning on staying at your job when really you’re interviewing elsewhere) or explicit (You tell your parents you believe in God when you don’t). You’re still going to have to reckon with dashing people’s expectations. The consolation is that you never have to incur that debt again.
HONESTY IS A PILLAR OF SELF ESTEEMYour self-esteem is your reputation with yourself. It is the feelings you have towards the person you have become. And it is an absolute prerequisite for true happiness. Think about it: if you don’t live up to your own standards, how can you feel good about yourself? Sure, you can experience pleasure. But how can you feel worthy of true happiness if you don’t respect yourself? So if you think lying is wrong, and you continue to lie, your self esteem plummets. No matter what mental booby traps you set up to rationalize, your self-esteem KNOWS. You are a liar. You cannot pretend otherwise. Even if no one discovers you, YOU are always there. You can try. You can justify, and rationalize, and come up with exceptions for yourself. But in the end you know. And it will eat away at you.
HONESTY FORCES YOU TO DO BETTERA few weeks back, I reached out to my friend, Chris, who is a badass trainer. I wanted some fitness advice. He came back with a detailed, day by day, meal by meal, exercise by exercise training program. It was specified to my current diet, training routine and fitness goals. And it was no fun at all. While I agonizing through one of my sets on the first day I thought, “This can’t be worth it. I’m quitting.” Except if I did I would have had to tell Chris the truth. I couldn’t just invent some excuse about not having the time. I would have to say, “I quit because it was too hard.” The only way I could avoid saying that would be to actually stick with it. So I did. For a week. And then two. And then through a grueling week of travel. And now I’m hooked on the feeling of improving in that area. Because I had to be honest, I felt compelled to do the tough, right thing. My life is better for it. Imagine if you had to tell the truth about everything you did. What bad habits would you cut out? (I know my grandma would have to stop sneaking cigarettes!) What good habits would you pick up? What people would you alienate? What people would you attract? Yes, there would be an adjustment period. Coming clean is never easy. But once you’ve cleared your lie debts, life gets better in every way.
SITUATIONS REVERSED, HONESTY IS WHAT YOU’D WANTMorality is a tough topic to tackle in a single blog post. So let’s keep it simple. We’ll go Golden Rule on this one:
- Should your significant other lie to you about where they have been?
- Should your employees lie to you about why they are late?
- Should your friend lie to you and say you’re really well liked when your group of friends talks bad about you behind your back?
How to be honest: the nitty gritty no one ever talks aboutOkay so hopefully you’re convinced to start being a whole lot more honest. But how do you start? It’s not just by saying whatever pops into your head. That’s just abrasive and it’s not even strictly honest. You need practical honesty.
WHAT IS PRACTICAL HONESTY?Practical honesty is NOT always saying the literal truth. That would kill all forms of joking. Practical honesty is NOT saying every thought that comes into your head. That is unproductive and occasionally dishonest because the truth shifts as we consider it. Practical honesty means communicating all meaningful truths in the most productive way possible. This requires empathy. You need to be able to distinguish what is meaningful to other people. You also have to recognize that “meaningful” is not static. It shifts over the course of the interaction. So if I am out at a bar and I jokingly tell a girl that I am a renegade CIA agent, I don’t consider it a lie. But if I were to form a relationship with her and insist that I truly was a renegade CIA agent…I’d be a nuts and she’d be nuts for believing me. More to the point, it would be a lie. My work status isn’t meaningful in the first 15 minutes of interaction. It is something that would be important if we continued to have a relationship. Similarly, I don’t need to tell someone I interact with for 30 seconds that they made a bad first impression. My opinion of our relationship is not yet meaningful. But if a close friend consistently does things that upset me, I should tell them. Because the way their actions impact our relationship is very meaningful. It’s not a hard science. You constantly have to be on the lookout for what is meaningful in a given context. You have to empathize. If you need a rule of thumb: move towards more transparent communication. Move away from lies of convenience. If you want people to perceive you differently, make a real change; don’t just manipulate their access to the truth.
How to start being practically honest today
1) CUT OUT THE CONVENIENT WHITE LIESThat’s right. For the next 7 days don’t tell ANY white lies.
- Don’t text, “I’m on the way,” when you’re running late and still getting dressed.
- Don’t tell the homeless person “I don’t have any change,” when you just don’t want to give
- Don’t say “I can’t make it,” to a party when the truth is you’d just rather not go (say, “I appreciate the invite, but I am not going to make it.”)
1a) GET USED TO ELABORATINGHow do you handle these questions when honesty is likely to hurt someone you care about? Realize your only options aren’t “yes” or “no.” Real practical honesty requires more. It requires serious thought and explanation. Do not let anyone box you into yes/no responses. So if your girlfriend asks you if think this dress looks good on her and it doesn’t: “I’m not the biggest fan of that dress. I like the other one better. You look great in that one” (Say so in a kind way that provides a solution.) Or your friend asks if you like his artwork that isn’t so great: “It’s not my favorite, but I can tell you put a lot of work into it. You’ve improved a lot since the first one.” (Encourage his overall goal to improve while maintaining the value of your opinion for the next piece he creates.) Or grandma asks if you like her cookies – which are no bueno: “These cookies were cooked more than I like them cooked. It’s super sweet of you though and always appreciate when you make food for me!” (Recognize her effort, express love, and give constructive feedback so you can be honest in your praise next time.) If a yes/no answer would lead to hurt feelings, your job is to reframe your answer to be as considerate as possible. While still being honest, of course.
2) ELIMINATE LIES OF OMISSIONI was speaking to a close friend’s mother over dinner. She’s an awesome lady. She was telling me about a psychic experience she had. Apparently, her hairdresser (the psychic) had given critical information to a man that saved his daughter’s life. I have no idea if the facts of the story were coincidentally true, but I know I don’t believe in psychics. If she had mentioned it in passing, I wouldn’t have told her I thought it sounded like baloney. But she was speaking to me one on one. If I didn’t say anything it would be a tacit acceptance of the story. I didn’t want to upset her. But after several minutes of storytelling, I felt like it had crossed the line into meaningful omission. So I told her: “Yeah, to me it sounds too good to be true. I don’t believe in psychics and I don’t believe she is one. But it’s a good story.” And we moved on. You need to stop biting your tongue when you have unpopular opinions. You don’t need to be an evangelist. I don’t run around shouting people down every time I hear the word “psychic.” But if it becomes clear someone has a meaningful and mistaken interpretation of your beliefs….well, then you need to clear things up. So as kindly as you can, speaking in “I statements,” let them know how you really feel. Remember: your goal here is not to persuade or bully. It is to avoid lying by omission. Even though disagreeing can feel like it’s damaging the relationship, you actually build respect when people know they can trust you to speak up when you disagree.
3) CHANGE YOUR LIFE TO REMOVE THE BIG LIESUgh. These are the hardest. These lies can form the basis of some of our most important relationships. Revealing the truth could have serious consequences.
- Maybe you’re parents think you’re religious and you’re not
- Maybe your friends think you like it when they tease you, but it really upsets you
- Maybe your work thinks you are management material and you’re secretly planning your escape
- Maybe you cheated on your partner and they don’t know
“I’d like to be a literal rock star. Or Tony Robbins’ apprentice. I definitely don’t see myself in corporate America.”And people will be cool with it! Because you’re setting expectations in line with your reality. You won’t get every single outcome you might desire (**cough** like that job **cough**). But if you tell your truth loud enough and long enough, eventually you’ll arrive in a place where you’re rewarded for being your unadulterated self. For me that place is Charisma on Command. Thanks for supporting me being me 🙂 So don’t put it off. Clear the ledger. Tell the truth. To your partner, your parents, your boss. There is no better time and there will always be reasons to wait. But I promise, if you go through the pain period, when you come out the other side, your world will be a better place.
I know this has been a long, dense read. I appreciate you coming this far. So I’ll leave you with this kick in the butt.It doesn’t matter if you are honest MOST of the time. Most of the time is easy. It’s at the edges that your integrity is tested. When it hurts. All those times when you “can’t” tell the truth. Your boss would fire you or your girlfriend would get mad or you family would disown you. When the easy lie is on the tip of your tongue. Those are the times where you decide what kind of person you are. Like so many things in life, you have a choice between the easy way and the right way. So what’s it going to be?
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