I’ve heard the phrase “introvert vs extrovert” bandied around quite a bit lately. I’m not a fan.
The supposed breakthrough is this: we have been classifying introverts all wrong. Introverts AREN’T people who don’t like social interaction. They may very well like social interaction. But they draw their energy from their alone time. They are drained by extended social interaction. Vice versa for extroverts. According to what I’ve read, this doesn’t change. This is just who they are. Introversion is not a choice, but an orientation. And it is something to be proud of!
Not. Buying. It. In fact, I think the diagnosis of introverts vs extroverts is actually harmful.
It leads people who have introverted patterns to believe that they shouldn’t strive to be more extroverted. They should just be themselves and learn to cope with a world that doesn’t cater to them.
That “if you can’t change it, embrace it” mentality makes sense for certain things. I would never tell a gay person to work on being more straight. Or a short person to work on being more tall. But would I tell a stressed person to work on being more relaxed? A boring person to work on being more engaging? Absolutely!
Here is the difference: gay/straight is an orientation. It isn’t changing. Short/tall might change, but not because of any effort you put in. It is out of your control. On the other hand, boring/engaging is a pattern. Patterns are learned and patterns can change with effort.
Guess what? Introvert vs extrovert is NOT an unchanging orientation. It is a pattern. And if the opinion of one guy who came from super-introvert (voted “Most Likely to Break Out of His Shell in College”) to extrovert is worth anything, it is absolutely worth it to develop extroverted patterns.
If you still don’t buy the “introvert as pattern” argument, I have a few anecdotes for you . . .
If you suck at something, you’re going to find it draining. If you get good though, you might love it.
In 9th grade, Ben was 5’2″. Ben did not like basketball. If you forced Ben to play for an hour, he’d have found the experience very frustrating and very draining. CAT scans would have borne that fact out. His pleasure receptors were NOT firing while he was on the court.
If you believe it’s a waste of time to stick with the things that you find draining, you’d have advised Ben to stay the hell away from basketball courts. Go solve some equations Ben. You’re just not a basketball-oriented kid.
Except, then Ben grew to 6’2″, 200lbs. He became the one true center in our group of admittedly non-skilled friends. And he kicked ass.
Suddenly Ben loved basketball. And only one thing changed: Ben got good.
You love different things when you can take over a room and connect with anyone.
In 9th grade, I was an introvert to the max. I didn’t really like hanging with other people. I found it tiring. But video games . . . don’t even get me started. I could play Starcraft or the latest RPG for 8 hours at a stretch. Just thinking about it triggers my addict pangs.
My dad once paid me $100 to go outside. That was the extent of his demand. Just go outside. So I did . . . for 15 minutes. Then I claimed the money and spent it on 2 new video games. Yes, I was a smart-ass. But I also genuinely thought that was the best use of my money. What else could make me so happy?
Years later, I decided it would be nice to not be so awkward with girls. So I busted my ass to transform myself. I retrained anti-social habits. And what started as an attempt to get a girlfriend wound up making me a pretty charismatic dude.
All of a sudden, I’d MUCH RATHER hang with a group than by myself. Video games were still addicting, but left me feeling empty. People, though – they became a never-ending source of excitement. I felt fulfilled, happy, and connected after going out and making new friends or meeting new girls. All the dopamine hits I’d gotten from my binge Starcraft sessions paled in comparison. The relationships I was building were more than just enjoyable. They made me ecstatic to be alive. People mattered.
People use “introvert” as an excuse for not pushing themselves to achieve the things they truly want.
Enter Rick. Rick is a fictitious dude based on the true story of some blog readers and students we have worked with.
Rick discovers Charisma On Command because his girlfriend dumped him. He reads Charisma on Command and loves it. He is amped to learn to build confidence, attract more girls, and have higher self-esteem. But he never goes out and actually speaks to people. It’s too damn terrifying, plus when would he find the time?
He beats himself up mentally for every pretty girl he can’t work up the nerve to approach. A week later, he drops it for good. He achieved none of his goals. But he has accepted his fate: those things just aren’t for him. He is an “introvert” and he’s okay with that.
Here is my point in all these stories:
Introvert is a crutch used to evade responsibility for not developing social skills. It protects egos.
And when we label it, we make it an integral part of your identity. Something to be proud of. Which is a shame. Because you CAN learn extroversion. Drawing energy from people and being able to connect with people you don’t yet know are some of life’s greatest joys. Kick out the crutch. “Introverted” is not a description of you. No one is an introvert. People behave in introverted ways.
But what about all the medical explanations? Scientists have documented concrete differences in scans of introverts and extroverts brains.
Yes, and if you’d brain scanned me at 14 years old, you’d have found the exact same results. I had different brain wiring than kids who were extroverted. I was different from extroverts on a biological and chemical level.
But is that a description or a prescription? Was I doomed to those patterns forever? Are we all just slaves to our current dispositions?
No. For the love of God, no. If Charisma on Command stands for one thing, it is that more of your life is in your control than you realize. Accepting that responsibility is the key to happiness. Even when it means increasing your burden. So let the introvert excuse die.
So introversion is a pattern, fine. By why should I change? It ain’t so great to be a blabbermouth extrovert.
I had to write this article for one reason. In my own experience, no amount of joy from introvert-friendly activities like Starcraft or Game of Thrones or online message forums can compare to the fulfillment you can get from real, live people. And that is coming from a guy who would sell a kidney to read The Winds of Winter ahead of it’s release.
You are a human before anything else. You’ve got sociability in your blood. This isn’t just my opinion. Connection is an essential human need. The more you can connect, the happier you’ll become. You just need to learn to make it fun. Not only with the close friends you know will accept you. But with the cashier, and the boisterous dudes in the bar, and the bouncer, and the beautiful girl walking in the park.
Introvert vs extrovert is a false dichotomy that keeps you loyal to your social fears, We are all just people . . . some of whom are shyer, some of whom are able to get more out of social situations. No more excuses. The excuse “introvert” needs to die.
So if you started this article categorizing yourself as an “introvert,” what are you now?
How about a person learning to be their best, most unhindered self?
I’ll cheers to that.
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9 thoughts on “Introvert vs Extrovert? The Lies We Tell Ourselves”
I love how people think that if you are an introvert you are lacking… That to be complete you should strive to be an extrovert. I am a very social and talkative person, and an introvert. Introversion and extroversion is not just based on if you are social, but how you re-energize. I can hang out with people all day, and be very happy, but it will eventually drain me and I need alone time to charge my battery.
Introvert versus extrovert is about where one finds motivation. introverts look into themselves and extraverts look to others, The observed aspects are just the natural result of that. You can definitely have introverts that are very outgoing, when they have an internal motivation for it.
I’m extremely introverted by nature, but you’d often not notice because I often am the life of the party anyways.
With all due respect, I think you are wrong about disregarding introversion compared to introversion and about simplifying things too much. What you lived was only self-confidence that caused symptoms that were confused with stereotypical introversion.
I have always been introvert, like my father. However, introversion is only about how you recharge yourself, what kind of activities you like. I open, I have had my own bunch of successes and am a very good engaged (political for example) speaker. However I am periodically reserved and sometimes need to isolate in order to do TV series marathons, read something, be alone.
I compared this characteristic with a very extravert friend who, quite weirdly compared to this article, isn’t that secure (though he naturally has extraverts’ social success. While he will recharge himseflf being in society, I will simply hate nightclubs or chatting about futile subjects: better stay silent.
Doing new relationships? With moderation, better directly aim for very deep and sound relationships than making a lot.
I was originally very shy and introvert during high-school, just like you. Wanting a girlfriend I easilly became extravert, working on my shyness. The only problem in that situation is that after a “long” while I have felt empty, totally dried and characterless.
You can be introvert and be very self-confident, you just need to open a bit more when you need to. Stating that introversion is only an excuse for being lazy would be quite the same thing as comparing depressive people to “attention whores”.
Very well written article. I found it while researching to understand what’s going on with a guy I’ve been seeing. After 2 months of very happily dating he hit a major wall with his schedule and stress level and pulled back almost completely. It began with a conversation asking me how I felt about our relationship (I said I was very happy), to which he responded that he felt guilty he wasn’t being ‘present’ and ‘focused’ enough, wasn’t being fair to me and giving enough. I said and did everything I could do to soothe and reassure him, and in the following week we cut back on contact, just a few texts and phone calls. The following weekend we went out, plans arranged at the last minute, and again had the same conversation. Again, I tried to reassure him, repeatedly saying we were ‘okay’. After that he went almost completely off the grid for about 2 weeks. Right before leaving the country for a work trip he sent a long text, explaining how he “hit empty” right after that 2nd talk we had and could barely stand contact with anyone. He’ll be gone for a few weeks and has said we’ll talk when he gets back. I’m trying to be flexible and empathetic but I honestly don’t understand how I can move forward with someone who deals with a busy schedule and stress by shutting down like this.
I think your final sentence says it all. You can’t. Don’t put up with this. It isn’t your job to not be depressed for your boyfriend. He sounds like he is incapable of being in a healthy relationship right now and you shouldn’t put up with this crappy, unthoughtful behavior. I would get out.
Thanks for the post.
read after reading “quiet the power of introverts”
really helps to go back to stretching the comfort zone.
Thanks again man
Why is it so hard for extroverts (like you the writer) to accept that introversion/extroversion are real personality traits?
No! – being an introvert is NOT just a bad habit – as you try to degrade it to!
You claim that you transformed yourself from a sad introverted video-game addicted teenager into a happy group-loving extrovert by “busting your ass”.
B.S.! You might have been a shy teenager with low self-confidence who liked video-games – but none of those things means that you were an introvert.
Describing one self as an introvert is NOT an “excuse” or a “crutch”.
Introversion is NOT something to overcome, and extroversion is NOT something to strive for.
And I would hate for anyone who stumble upon this to buy into your thinking for even a second.
Until recently, I didn’t know about the introvert/extrovert thing, and I used to make every effort to act the “right” way (which I now know is called “extroverted”). I acted every day for 40+ years, and I became very good at ACTING extroverted. But I NEVER learned to enjoy it, and it back fired again and again.
I was convinced (by media, “blabber mouth extroverts”, “gurus” like Tony Robbins, etc.) that being super extroverted is the only “right” way to be. And I was sure that, because I am not really like that at all, something had to be terribly wrong with me, and that I either had to get “fixed” somehow or continue “living in the closet” with my dark secret.
Now of course I KNOW that all that was false.
After realizing that I am an introvert, that there is nothing wrong with me, and that in many ways being introverted is really far superior, my life is so much more enjoyable in so many ways.
I can be true to myself, act as the person that I really am, and not feel ashamed about it.
As strange as it might sound, I also enjoy being with other people a lot more, because I now know what my introverted limits are and how to protect them.
Telling an introverted person to be more extroverted is EXACTLY the same as telling a gay person to be more straight (to use your own comparison).
You ask “How about a person learning to be their best, most unhindered self?”
I say – absolutely – but being extroverted is NOT being your best – that’s just another way to be.
If you are an introvert – embrace it.
If you are an extrovert – why don’t you try acting a bit more introverted please!
I agree with you Richard! I am 46 years old, when I was young there was never any talk about introvert-extrovert, at least not where I am from. All my life I have been very curious about other cultures and people and I have learned several foreign languages (English is one of them) and I have lived in 3 countries in my life. I have met a lot of people and I can be very social. Yet, I am actually an introvert and I have only started reading about it recently. A lot of things make sense now. I can be social if I want to, but I always need a lot of alone time to recharge. I don’t have social anxiety but when my “social battery” is empty, the only way to recharge is by spending time alone. This is why I now keep 1 day a week for myself, it is the only way to survive the other 6 days in the extrovert embracing world.
I personally think you have grately misjudged what it means to be an introvert. It’s true indeed that some people’s introvertion is rooted in social anxiety, that’s for sure, but some people *are* introverts and proud of it. I am such a one. I would absolutely much rather sit at home with a good book than go to a bar and listen to a group of colleagues or aquaintances talking about work, or complaining about their kids, or comparing diets or workout routines. I don’t need to be involved in the lives of that many people, nor be involved in the airing of their exploits. I will get far more out of the book than I will that conversation, because I am about 110% sure that if I start a conversation about the book I am reading, or a chess strategy I read about online, or the renaissance music I listened to last night, absolutely none of them would be at all interested. However I can say these things to my best friend, or another friend. Counting my friends on one hand means that I have time to cultivate a deep and meaningful relationship with someone rather than try and keep up with several someones. This is what we do in Sweden. if you are suggesting that introvertion is an undesirable behaviour, the entirety of the nordics will disagree with you. You have obviously never experienced the beauty of Finnish silence. the joy of being in a room with your friends or colleagues and not feeling the least pressured to come up with small talk because it is not necessary. You speak when speaking is necessary, or when you have something to really say. there is a school of thought in Finland that says, that if you do not have the time for a real answer, do not ask someone how they are. Finnish workplaces can go hours and hours without anyone saying a word.
We are the same in Sweden. It is better to have close friends but a smaller circle. We cultivate our friendships from childhood and we protect ourselves from expending too much effort on an unmaintainable social life. Because it’s all about work-life balance here, and that means having time for work, time for social activities and time for ourselves, which is not the same thing.
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