Q:My girlfriend and I broke up. It sucks. If she would take me back, I’d get back with her. She also sent this cryptic text about needing space. What do I do to get her back?
How to get your ex girlfriend back
Questions on getting back with ex girlfriends are THE MOST COMMON ones I get. They normally have a few characteristic traits:
- The guy wants to get back together and his ex doesn’t want to/is ambivalent
- There is reference to a specific incident that caused the breakup
- The guy is looking for a remedy that can be used today: send a text, apologize, stand your ground and wait for her to call, etc.
First off . . .
Get honest about WHY you broke up
A lot of times guys will point to one blow up conversation that ended things. They got in a big fight. They said some stupid things. If only they had chosen their words differently, they’d still be together with her.
I have some news. If you think you and your girlfriend broke up because of one conversation, this is going to hurt. But you need to hear it.
She didn’t leave because of that ONE THING you did. It wasn’t that one argument. That stupid text. Those mis-chosen words . . .
It is tempting to offload the burden of losing your girlfriend to a single, out-of-character interaction. The answer is a cosmetic fix. Send a text. Apologize profusely. Stay the same and she’ll see it was all just a fluke.
It wasn’t a fluke. Don’t lie to yourself. Women do not break up with fantastic boyfriends because of an argument or a few mis-chosen words.
She left because of who you are. She doesn’t want to get back because you are not amazing enough to compel her to stay.
This is not a problem that gets solved with a text message. You cannot change the core of your being in a single gesture. So stop with the Hail Mary attempts. You’re not coming back this late in the game with a single desperate maneuver.
Start working on bigger issues. Like the gulf between the man you are and the man you want to become. Like your self esteem and self confidence.
You have some work to do on yourself if you want to have healthy, lasting relationships with amazing women. You need to build self-esteem. You need to build social skills. You need to build relationship skills.
And if you can give a good, hard look at yourself and admit that, you are a hero.
Get real: why do you want to get back with her?
What is really driving you to want to get back with her? Is it because she is the most special woman in the entire world, your one true soul mate? Because out of the 3.5 billion women in the world, she is the most amazing, beautiful, perfectly matched woman for you?
Or is it because you secretly fear you don’t have what it takes to get someone else you really like?
If you’re being honest, it’s probably your fear.
Consider this: unless you’re meeting and dating other cool women during this period of singleness, your desire to date your ex comes from scarcity. It’s one thing to want a woman back because you have picked her above a whole host of others. Far more common: guys obsess over their exes and transform them into angels because they can’t meet other awesome women.
It’s all just a defense mechanism: pretend the one woman you know liked you is a goddess instead of risking rejection by getting back out into the dating pool. It protects your ego, it coincides with rom-com plotlines, and it is total BS.
Don’t protect your ego.
Do the work
So you’ve gotten honest about your motivations and your feelings. You know what’s driving them. That takes tremendous courage. Bravo.
Now it’s time to put in some hard work.
First, get out there and start being social again. There is no reason to wait. Force yourself to start conversations with women in bars or on the street. This will help you in a number of ways:
- It will build self-confidence and self-esteem since you’re taking control of your dating life
- It will give you new reference experiences
- You may wind up meeting someone you like even more than your ex
Practice awesomeness. What does that mean exactly? Basically, everything it takes to become an improved human being and man.
Then go back to the drawing board and ask, “How can I become a more amazing man generally?“
This might mean dedicating yourself to the gym, signing up for a martial art, enrolling in an improv comedy class, playing a musical instrument at an open mic night. It might mean completing the 21 day no complaint challenge or even quitting your job and starting a business you love. In addition to honing your social skills, I recommend doing at least one thing in all these areas
- Health (diet, gym, martial arts, meditation)
- Career (move jobs, ask for a promotion, quit)
- Inner Game (no complaint challenge, improv classes, read 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem)
- Skill acquisition (sing, play the guitar, learn PHP, whatever you like)
But I want MY ex girlfriend back! Why is all this advice so general?
Asking how to get YOUR ex girlfriend back is a broken question. I’m sorry, but it’s true. It’s like when people ask what exercise to do to get defined abs. Not gonna happen with 20% body fat. Crunch all you want.
Similarly, you cannot cherry pick one woman to make fall in love with you (even if it is your ex). You can only become a more awesome guy. And then a LOT more people will like you.
This is the hardest thing for a lot of guys to accept.: There IS NO WAY to just go get your ex back. Flowers, romantic gestures, promises things will be better . . . these might extend the relationship by a few weeks. But it was already on life support and you’re just treating symptoms.
Resist the urge to romanticize this one woman as if she were your salvation. Get to the root cause. You.Only when you’ve become a guy that is attractive to LOTS OF PEOPLE will you and your ex seriously stand a chance of getting back together. By then, you’ll have built an amazing life for yourself and can decide if you want to 🙂
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