I am supposed to tell you it’s not your fault.
I’m supposed to tell you radical feminists, or the government, or your ex girlfriend, or your parents are the reason you haven’t gotten what you wanted. I’m supposed to tell you you’re the victim of a huge scam. Of a conspiracy. Of evolution and your genes.
And you’re supposed to love me for letting you off the hook. And then you’re supposed to buy whatever I’m selling.
But fuck that. Because it’s not honest. Of course it is your fault. There is only one person whose fault it could be.
I know about the stories you tell yourself. I tell them, too. I’m a human and I’m guilty.
It was my mom, my dad, my circumstances, the unfair world, bad luck.
I won’t tell you that because it won’t help. Sure, shit happens that you didn’t ask for. You may have been lied to, cheated, manipulated, tricked. You may have been gifted the world on a platter and still have no clue what to do with yourself.
Either way, how YOU respond to that is on you. Your life is your fault. Good, bad, or in between, it’s your fault. Anybody who tells you otherwise is not your friend.
Wherever you are, it’s your fault. And wherever you’re going, that’s your fault too.
Does this mean you don’t slip? Screw up? Get off track?
Of course you will. And it’s your fault if you decide that’s the end of the line. Your fault if you decide being derailed is your destiny.
And it’s your fault if you take every bad break and every sob story and turn it into fire to pursue the life you want. The fire to become the human you want to be.
But guess what!? Living the life you want isn’t easy! It can’t be done in 5 easy steps. It can’t be bought for 3 easy payments of $97.
Living your dream is hard. If it wasn’t we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rockstars.
TV is easy. Excuses are easy. Self-deception is easy. Getting everything you want and experiencing genuine fulfillment? Not easy.
But it is simple.
You don’t complicate things. You just decide. And then you run through walls, leap hurdles, and ignore the haters. You are getting where you want to go, no matter what.
I know I sound like an ass. This bites to hear. But I write this and I want you to read this slack jawed so you will do something about it.
Your life is your fault.
Now what?
If you’ve got your answer, good. Stop here. Go live it.
Seriously, don’t read on. If you’ve been inspired to action, go act.
If you still feel like you don’t know what to do, I won’t leave you hanging. I’d feel like a jerk for pointing out a problem and offering no solution. So here’s my two cents:
Stop buying quick fix, 6 minute abs bullshit. Stop consuming anything that promises it will be easy. Stop clicking Buzzfeed links in your newsfeed. Those are all distractions that keep you complacent.
Banish helplessness. If you hate your job, quit. If you don’t like your city, move. If you are less than thrilled with any aspect of your life, change it. No excuses.
The only things separating your from your ideal life are the fear that has kept you from making different decisions and persistent, hard work. It’s all in your control.
If you don’t know what to do differently, get teachers you respect. If you like where I’m coming from and want to work with me, join Charisma University.
If you take one thing from this rant, let it be this: it’s all on you.
Living the life of your dreams requires work. The biggest obstacles you’ll have to overcome are not out there in the world. They are inside your head. They’re your dragons. You can’t pay anyone to slay them for you. So pick up your sword and start hacking.
66 thoughts on “The Advice You Want Vs. The Advice You Need”
No truer words were ever spoken, my man!
Glad you liked it brotha
I think the question of whether or not “it’s your fault” is unimportant. What’s really important is ACTING like it is anyway, stepping up, and doing the necessary work.
Great stuff.
Yeah, the truth is its not about assigning blame. It’s about taking responsibility. So many people have this victim of circumstance mentality. There is a great Bruce Lee quote about that, “To hell with circumstances. I create opportunities.”
‘Fault’ has too many negative connotations sometimes. I think ‘Responsiblity’ works better. You’re responsible for your life, Responsible for your successes and failures.
Otherwise I felt it was a good article. can’t own your victories if you don’t own your defeats.
It’s funny, Ben said the same thing when he read it. And I tend to agree with you. I wanted to keep it as raw as possible though, hence the lack of editing and inclusion of the word “Fault”
I like the use of the word fault. It’s much more sobering than “responsibility” which still reminds me of elementary school assemblies.
I agree Josie. “Fault” may sound harsh, but “responsibility” is too soft.
I’ll accept the responsibility factor. Faults though are a part of being human. We all have them, we’re all ‘faulty’. Fault: “An unattractive or unsatisfactory feature, especially in a piece of work or in a person’s character…” I’m full of faults, how else would I learn.
I fail, I learn (sometimes), I accept, I take the next indicated action. It’s my responsibility to react to my faults without judgement. Yeah, that, sure.
I had a therapist who taught me this reaction to emotional upheaval: 1. Label it. 2. Rate it. 3. Think about it:
What is it (fear mostly, anger sometimes, anxiety, sadness)?
On a scale of 1-10, how ‘strong’ is it?
Where did it come from and what’s next?
Label, Rate, Think. Did the emotion come from a thought or did the thought come from the emotion? Does it matter right now? Watch it pass like a slow moving cloud, watch the next cloud appear. See how easy that was? Hahahaha…
Far as I’m concerned, responsibility and blame are two sides of the same coin. Look at the phrase “it’s not your fault, but it is your problem”. Say a tiger escapes from the Zoo and is now staring you down in the street. Say you’ve got a gun in your pocket and You’re the only person between that tiger and your young child.
You didn’t unlock the cage, but you can sure take your chance at putting the beast down before it eats everyone at the playground.
I like the usage of Fault, though, because it does help drive home the point.
Well done, Charlie.
P.S. About 2 weeks ago when I asked a dude how his day was doing, he said “Not so great” I said “Well, who’s fault is that?” And he said “not mine.”
I brought up the blame/responsibility coin and the tiger scenario and he didn’t get it, kept getting wrapped up in the semantics. I pointed out that he was a Satanist, and isn’t self-agency one of their bigger tennants?
What kills me most about people who spend time seeking blame and being so externally focused, is that you surrender your ability to change. If it’s someone else’s fault, you are saying you had no control over the outcome.
Be internally focused, then empower yourself with the idea that you can change your own circumstances.
Great points. Blaming others or the circumstances is the easy way out. Too easy, in fact. I like how you mention radical feminists and the government. Those seem to be particularly popular targets these days, haha. Isn’t it interesting that tons of other men manage to achieve amazing things in their lives, despite the presence of radical feminists, the government, or general problems and obstacles.
The funny thing is, some of the most successful people often had the deck stacked against them to a MUCH greater degree than the average guy.
Yeah, I’m seeing a lot of that as I research this charisma book. Bill Clinton had an abusive step father, billionaires grew up dirt poor in third world countries, it’s nuts
Our society has become one of finger pointers. Personal responsibility and accountability have gone the way of the dinosaur. Your points are so to the point and fundamental that they are groundbreaking in this day and age because people have “dumbed down” and there are very few Alpha males left. You my friend are the vanguard in the dawn of a new era of becoming a “Man’s Man” in this age of pseudo-machoism. Thank you Charlie from all of us guys who want to be “THE MAN”
I’m very flattered 🙂 It is really a shame that people do not step up and own this stuff more, but I remember that I wasn’t always like this. It took reading Existentialist philosophy to wake me up to my denial of responsibility. I think that people need to have that epiphany moment, which usually comes from reading. From there, it’s all on them
Epiphany moments can come from reading, however the power to act on them rarely does because our own habits get in the way. This is why having a mentor or a coach to support and raise you beyond the level of belief you have in yourself is critical. When you find a mentor that believes in you more than you believe in yourself then your power to slay your dragons increases by virtue of the Pygmalion effect.
Great work Charlie!
Oh god, an incel who genuinely believes women wanting to be treated fairly is a terrible thing. Why make this political anyways, Charlie? Well I guess its super obvious who your target audience is with how you idealize terrible men who just happen to be charismatic. Look at your fans misusing terms like “alpha male”. You shit talk the activists on the left but… hmm no mention of the white supremacists who have committed multiple mass shootings/terrorist attacks in the last 3 years. Pathetic, as is your silly whatever rant this is. Do you really think you are the first to say “take responsibility” in the self-help area? Duh. I guess you have to repeat common sense to your shitty audience consisting of socially inept idiots who blame everyone else except themselves for their shit life. Goddamn. And nice plug for your “academy”, this guy shameless. Creepy ass joker motherfucka.
Love it!
I realized a couple of years ago that I was responsible for everything that was fucked up in my life.
While fixing the things I learnt that responsibility is more a chance than a burden. I fucked up my life and I can fix it. All it takes: some balls and action.
I got the audiobook to Six Pillars of Self Esteem at your recommendation, and one of my favorite parts was when he talks about how “No one is coming.” It’s so true — too often we wait for our soul mate, our dream career, or our life calling to suddenly pop into our lives through pure fate. And as a result we don’t take responsibility ourselves.
This is fantastic – great way to start the day. Also – I love your videos!
Thank you. More people need to read this. Two years ago both my husband and I lost our jobs as he was going through chemo for cancer. All my contacts were in a dead industry. I was going to have to be the main provider. We didn’t go on welfare or disability. We took freelance jobs as I got educated in the IT industry and networked to gain contacts. Nonetheless, my self-confidence took a toll. I have been using your videos to build myself back again and I watch many of your videos right before I go in for interviews. I apologize that I watch the free ones on YouTube! Someday, I swear, when I get that break through job, I’ll subscribe to pay you back!
No need to apologize – that’s why we make so many of them free! I think it’s awesome that you’ve been able to use these tools to make your life better during such a hard time. Good luck! Stay persistent. You sound like someone who works hard and thinks outside the box. That’s a powerful combination 🙂
Nice! Glad I read this article. The title got me interested
because I have struggled with unhealthy anger in the past.
Taking responsibility for how my life turned out is crucial
to making the right changes.
Oke, I think i love you.. This was just what i needed!
Last week things didn’t go the way i wanted to. I’ve been making excuses for myself the past few days, I know damn well I need to own it up & do something about it!
Been thinking that this country is taken over by oligarchal nationalists. Both sides given to us are unacceptable. Neither worth voting for. Felt like leaving the country. Went outside to run and change my attitude. Someone broke into my truck. Took change, a few cards including library card, shaver … Felt like leaving the country.
This is certenly the best thing someone can tell you…
Well done Charlie
Charlie,
Brother this is great!
I actually appreciate that you kept it ”raw”, my word for fault would be ‘choice’, but still. Awesome.
If you are wondering whether this might hinder your bussiness, let
me tell you..I am even more interested in investing with you in the
near future.
Big courage.
Thank you
Glad you liked it Peter! I’ll have to experiment with more “straight from the gut” pieces in the future 🙂
Loved it! Totally agree with each single word you wrote, no matter how harsh! Keep on with the good work Charlie, you’re real good my friend!
Simply brilliant.
Thank you. I knew all of this, we all knew it. But every once in a while, it’s necessary to hear that from someone else, with a strong language. So, again, thank you very much.
Last night I watched a movie called ‘The good girl’ and it made me aware of my fears and today I read this and it’s like a message to me. Thank you.
Contrary to popular belief, thats the unedited version of what a l,ong hitch of Therapy has told me, and helped me to do. Im not [always] responsible for my issues. I am ALWAYS responsible for how I deal with them. And Yes, anger is a gift, before it festers.
Now , I notice the assumption that I have A ‘Dream’. Or that I failed to get where I wanted to be. How do you suggest I deal with a confusion about where to aim next. With any real expectation I will be any less empty, or dissapointed fullfilling the next?
This is not a troll question. Its posed by a 51 yr old guy who has overcome plenty and gotten much of what he want…ed/s and isnt real impressed with satisfying desire[there is likely a better word]. Short or long term ones.
Beautifully written, short and to the point. Straight truth bro , and for you to have written it in one sitting even more impressive! Reminds me a bit on how “the compound effect” by Darren Hardy starts off , my first Audio book!
BEAUTIFUL!
yes! the problem is in our head that doesn’t allow to move on and leave the bullshit that others say about us.But now I don’t care what people say about me and I just let it go.
Well said brotha.. Well said..
The exact thing wanted to hear right now in my life. this is great. Thank you so much.
So timely! I just had the epiphany this past week that helplessness and the subsequent giving-up it results in has been a HUGE core theme in my life. Have you done any videos on banishing helplessness?
I don’t think you are “the asshole” to say this.
For me, your message on this is even positive: Life is in our hands and we created what we have by ourselves. That means we have the possibility to change everything.
So having a dream isn’t that useless after all. That’s pretty damn inspiring.
So, thanks for the motivation.
Alright, I want to say that I’m a 15 yo french dude and I am a completely crazy perfectionist in love with self improvement. I am glad I succeed in almost every goal I put my mind to (meditation, workout, cold shower, body language, communication…). I am a fast learner, I am full of conviction and curiosity but God knows why my only main problem is my working procrastination. I am in High school and I hate myself for the fact that even if I am motivated enough or doing all the stuff I can to stop procrastination but I don’t succeed in it. I know why. This is one of the most important thing I have to work on right now to finally have what I mostly want : “Time”, but this vision scares me too much and I am drowning in my incapability to put my ass on a chair and focus. Of course I have succeeded sometimes but still after one “miraculously” productive day, I do the same mistake the next one as every other day and procrastinate. This message is pretty long and I would love you to see it, but I want you to know that I would love to have a discussion with you and meet you somehow even though you might not be available but still you are the friend we need and with whom we can learn about the things we don’t learn at school 🙂
You’ve been visited by a lobster squad. CLEAN YOUR ROOM BUCKOS!
Damn dude! Woke me up.
It feels good to know that they are people who approach life as I do. You are damn right and about language it couldn’t have been written in any better way. It hits but it’s the reality. We ourselves are responsible for the life we live.
Thank you for speaking the truth even when it’s not popular! One thing that would really improve your work is removing the language. I once heard it said that swearing is a weak minded person trying to sound strong. Your audience would really appreciate it. 🙂 Thanks again for your hard work!
Good thoughts bro.
Sound reality check that more people need to hear.
I will add one more bit of advice — DREAM BIG. REALLY BIG. Strive to accomplish what others think is impossible. You will be surprised at how often you obtained the seemingly “impossible” goal. And if you fall short of landing on the moon, no matter, you still land among the stars.
Amen!
🤗
I feel like I have no money, no power, no knowledge,no youth,no fitness,no help and no companionship.Yet I found some things I am still able to do and haven`t done yet:always mean what I say,eat less,train or dance for an hour a day,keep self control under words of fire or in exile from relationships I long for and save at least 1 euro a day no matter what for 10 years, `cause even a beggar is able to make 2 euros a day out of begging:one euro for food and one to save it,and I must be -at least-as good as a beggar is.
I love your emails and your online videos Charlie.Thank you so much,because it means so much to me,again and again,every day.
Life is like a poker game, one player has good cards and the other has bad cards. Yet the winner is not detemined by who has the best cards, but by the choices each player makes throughout the game.
We all have control over our lives.
When we want something bad enough we find solutions, and when we don’t want it we find excuses.
And like Mark Manson said :” who you are is determined by what you’re willing to struggle for”.
No pain, no gain.
Thank you for the great content Charlie. Keep up the good work!
This is the most amazing inspirational story I have ever seen. Thankyou for writing it. I am feeling anger and because of how much bullshit i’ve been facing from the dating sites from guys who show no respect thankyou for posting this
Right on, brother!
I’ve been saying this for the largest part of my life and people call me stonecold and hate me for it. They don’t see that I’m actually teaching them the most important lesson in life. Maybe, in the future, I’ll be seding them the link to this page!
Carry on, Charly.
Great piece, Charlie, thanks for sharing it ^_^
Awesome rant. Got some “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” / Gary Vaynerchuk vibes. Loved it. Hope to get more of these in my inbox.
Love it, man. Excellent piece, and so very applicable in the current “blame anyone but me” culture. I see so many people that are waiting for permission to improve their lives, increase their influence, or otherwise step up to the plate. I was, and still am sometimes, guilty of the same, but a few years ago I decided that I was going to fix it no matter what and I’ve made great strides since then. It’s all about clarity: what do I want to do, and who do I want to be.
Keep up the excellence, gentlemen. Your input has changed, and will continue to change, lives.
Omg yes, yes, yes!!! 💖💪😎
Beating someone /w the truth stick is a blessing
Take ownership of your life no matter what because it is YOUR life! Great and LOVE IT.
I have had some very similar thoughts recently. About freeing myself from any ”victim status” I might hold and instead honestly take responsability for my life going forward.
The things I’m talking about: 1. I am a woman, 2. I have (high functioning) autism.
Ever since I started to understand the political discussion, I’ve heard people say that women are disadvantaged, low paid and abused. From innumerable sources I’ve heard this. And I’ve started to think about what this does to my unconscious self-image. Could it become a self-fulfilling prophecy?? Yes, I believe it could.
This is where I really have to take charge of myself. To say, okay, well, I am now informed that society is shifted in men’s favour. What do men (and women in such positions I strive for) do to achieve success that I can mimmic?
I have learned that much of it is about composure, tone of voice, projected self esteem and the ability to stand up for your opinion. I can do that. I can absolutely do that. The way that I need to do those things in may not be the way that I would naturally, but I shall train myself by looking at certain individuals and their interactions with others. I will adapt to the system that supposedly disfavours me.
Much of this can be said about point 2 as well. With the autism I have accepted that I’m never going to be anyone else’s biggest problem and they can’t cater to my autistic needs 100%, so I have to firstly, simply find ways to cope with/endure demanding situations (high noise level/many people/flickering lights etc). and secondly, accept that those strategies WILL put me in a social disadvantage since they often involve ”zooming out”, trying to block out as much stimuli as possible when I get tired. I cannot and will probably never be able to be super social and fun for several hours, not to mention days. I have a limit and I have to accept and respect that limit.
However, I am no victim. Even though I may hate my autism’s guts at times, I have been given this diagnosis and there is no cure. I will keep on learning how to live the life I want with it!
Ending on a different note, I do not think of my life a being my FAULT. I am very happy with my life. I enjoy it. My life is my responsability, but not a fault 🙂
This were actually some really great words, Charlie. I wish I could figure out what it is I want to do. With my life.
This may be the best thing you’ve ever written.
But you don’t mention or question the conclusion of, does an ideal life even exist? And also does this assumption or viewpoint, that the pursuit of an ideal is what is bringing people their current state of pain? If I were a betting man, and I am. The angst of your readers comes from this hope, this belief, that there is an ideal. I am not saying that you are wrong, but I question everything, and the concept of the constant pursuit of this elusive ideal, is what has brought me to my current circumstances of feeling broken in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction. I 100% take responsibility for the current circumstances of my life, blame no one, yet here I am, feeling empty and without meaning, because so many times I attained what I believed was that IDEAL, yet once achieved was left longing. And I lead a blessed life in many ways.
We are 100% responsible for our realities. However, the outcomes that these assumptions create are rarely what we believed them to be. Those assumptions have been very dangerous for me. But thank you, I enjoyed the article.
New years resolution type of stuff right here. Don’t forget that everything good in your life can be attributed towards your successes as well, but I think a lot of people need to hear this. I plan to never be complacent in my life. Keep up the good work man!
Great piece Charlie!
Charlie I think your content is great. But I think having a (presumed) heterosexual, (presumed) non-disabled white man say “it’s your fault” is complicated.
Whilst taking responsibility for oneself is always important, it’s not up to any one individual to undo the way society is *structurally* white, patriarchal, and ableist. Individuals can only ever scratch the surface of this.
Great content, but check your privilege.
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