3 Beliefs That are Ruining Your Life Part 2: How to Change

So I wrote a post about the beliefs that are holding you back and how to change your life. I got one response in particular that made me think I could have done better:

So what about those of us who have no options. What exactly are we supposed to do. This article really makes it seem like its not possible to improve your odds, just pick whoever you can get. You didn’t really provide much of an answer on how to improve, and even if its possible to go from no option guy to tons of options guy.

Well, fuck me!

I may have talked about the myth and the truth, but I didn’t talk about how to go from living the myth to living the truth.

This post is meant to rectify that.

(If you want to read the first post, be my guest.)

Go straight at what makes you happy

 

Hint: Not these things

It starts with accepting that everything is a skill.   If you aren’t funny or charming or positive or wealthy or killer with girls, it’s because you haven’t practiced appropriately.  Take responsibility.  Your “innate talent” isn’t holding you back.  Practice is (and probably a good dose of fear as well).

Practicing any skill is like shooting hoops all day in a gym.  You can go for the highest shooting percentage by taking layups all day, or you can accept that you’ll miss more often and learn to shoot from all over the court.

I promise you this: at the end of the day, the “most talented” shooter will be the guy who missed the most shots while learning, because it will be the guy who took the most shots during practice.

Which is to say that lots and lots of failure is an inescapable prerequisite to success.

It goes against everything we learned in school, where the whole point was not to screw up.  Failure was to be absolutely avoided.  But life ain’t school.  No one gives a shit about your shooting percentage or how many times you miss.

So stop trying to be perfect.  Start trying to fail more.  Missed baskets cost nothing.  Blown interactions cost nothing.  Failure costs nothing but a bit of shame, and once spent, it’s gone.  You’ll be happier without it.

NOT trying will cost you the life of your dreams.  It will doom you to stay the way you are today for the rest of your life.

Learn to be proud of your misses.  Because I guarantee you, the guy who misses the most shots or gets blown out the most, is the same guy who will one day be praised for his “natural talent.”

Become a person with options

You get options by becoming more attractive.  You become more attractive by building an attractive life.  That’s really what the whole blog is about.  Here is a crash course:

Be moral

You’re going out into the wide world of people and there will be plenty of opportunities to hurt them for your short term advantage.  Decide right now to be better than that.  You might make mistakes: sleep with someone you don’t want to see again, hook up with a girl in a relationship, piss off a girl by pushing too hard.  Just do your damndest to leave everyone better than you found them.

Specifically, I advise against:

• Pursuing any girl in any sort of exclusive relationship
• Sleeping with someone you would not want to sleep with again
• Being mean to anyone.  Set boundaries and call out poor behavior, but don’t try to hurt anyone’s feelings, even if they hurt yours
• Being combative or competitive with other guys
• Allowing a girl you just met to ever take precedence over a friend

Unlearn what you thought you knew about girls

Start with The Anti-Pickup Line and just The Anti-Pickup Line.  Not because it is the be-all and end-all of talking to girls, but because it is the most succinct guide I know.  We’ll add and subtract from this base later, but start by reading it once through.

Then go try the 5 Year Old Hello (aka “the wave”).

Your goal will just be to try it 5 times in a night.  Then, night by night, you’ll go on stacking more bits.  So you’ll include some roleplaying and some teasing, you’ll learn how to convey your standards, you’ll learn how to get the kiss, and eventually how to get whatever else you’re looking for.  The same process applies: pick something, rehearse it at home, use it, review to see how it went, and add/subtract pieces for the next night.

Honestly, this is the most important step: go out tonight.  I don’t give a damn if it’s Wednesday or Sunday.  Find a place and go say absolutely anything to someone that scares you to talk to.  “Later” becomes never.  You need the momentum or else nothing gets done.

Also, I HIGHLY recommend giving The Anti-Pickup Line to a friend who is open-minded and shares your struggles.

Having a partner in crime makes the oftentimes terrifying learning process way more enjoyable.  Plus you can use the external commitment for massive leverage against your anxiety.

Here’s a trick I’ve used (to my own chagrin):

Withdraw 200 bucks from the bank.  Give it to your friend.

Tell him NOT to give it back under any circumstances, except if you approach a girl THAT night.  $50 per conversation that you start.  That’s four groups.  Oh yeah, and none of that “Where is the bathroom?” or “What time is it?” shit.  You have to attempt to engage them in conversation.  It’s totally allowed to go terribly.  You just have to try.

You can go pick the groups if you want, but if you stall he gets the power to pick who you talk to.  If he says “go” and you don’t, $50 of that $200 is lost to you forever.  No matter what you do or how many people you talk to after.

From experience, you will not balk on $50 lightly.

Change your style and get in shape

This goes after practicing because I don’t want you waiting on 6-pack abs before you give yourself permission to chat up a girl at a bar.

I can guarantee you need to change your style and probably your haircut.  It’s a fact of life.  We learn to dress to fit in.  Now you need to learn to dress to stand out (in a good way).

Then be real: do you need to live healthier?  If you aren’t already very conscious of your diet and your exercise routine, the answer is yes.

Resolve to do the slow carb diet for 30 days.  Start lifting weights.  I like Crossfit for daily workouts.

The diet, the workouts: this shit should hurt.  Love it though.  That hurt is hurt you weren’t feeling before.  And it is part of the hurt that was separating you from being kickass.  If you feel yourself slipping into sloth or craving shitty foods, recognize those habits for what they are: gateways to pain.  Gateways to the old, uncommitted you.

You have to ask yourself: which do I value more?  Satiating my laziness and my cravings for foods that are terrible for me?  Or the pride of controlling my health and the increased attractiveness, confidence, and social skills this will translate to within a few months?

Seriously, I’ve been there.  I am a recovering bread addict.  I would eat over a pound of pretzels every day, literally to the point of pain.  I can assure you, the vibrancy and confidence you will feel is worth every craving and every drop of sweat.

And get a cool haircut.  Rule of thumb: It shouldn’t get you sent home from work, but should definitely get some comments.  If it’s a bit too edgy for other dudes, you’re in a good spot.

Filter out poisonous mindsets.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of pain in the self-improvement community that manifests itself in terrible, misanthropic behavior.  That’s not what The Anti-Pickup Line is.  Done well, The Anti-Pickup Line should teach you to leave everyone you interact with better than you found them.

You need to be endlessly vigilant of the attitudes and beliefs you adopt.  Morality is the prime directive.

Build an awesome lifestyle

I really wish I could fit this in a single post.  But the truth is, this entire blog is about this lifelong project.  I couldn’t possibly collapse it all into a single bulleted list in one sub bullet of one post.

But, fuck it, I’ll try . . .

• Throw out your TV
• Break your video games (I snapped my Starcraft: Brood War disc in half at 3AM after a day long binge)
• Take up a sport or practice a martial art
• Learn to sing or play an instrument
• Learn to dance (salsa, club, whatever)
• Travel for 3+ weeks and take intensive language classes
• Never, ever lie
• Plan to quit your job and move to something you are passionate about or start a business in that field
• Be positive.  (Keep a rubber band on your wrist and move it to the other wrist every time you complain or say something negative.  Try to go 21 days without moving the rubber band)
• Be vulnerable.  Trust others and allow them to hurt you
• Brag about your friends in front of them
• Don’t hate on anything, even Justin Bieber

Take advice from the right people

(Yeah, you can definitely trust this guy…)

Want to know how to change your life?

Get a mentor, a partner in crime, or both.

Seriously.  I cannot tell you how CRITICAL it was for me to have my best friend pursue this with me.  We lived for years in different cities while our charisma improved incrementally.  Within months of moving in together we were on a whole new level.

I’m sure it has been done, but I cannot imagine having made this transformation alone.  Having someone to push you, to spot your mistakes, to debrief with, and just to have FUN with while you’re on this crazy journey is next to necessary.  Mad props to anyone who manages to do it solo.

Getting a mentor

Books and blogs are going to be your easiest access points to mentors (you’re already here, right!?).  One of my next posts will be the on the 12 books that changed my life and I cannot recommend them enough.  (and here it is!!)

DO NOT trust movies.  Male/female interactions are completely fake in even the best Hollywood films.

If you’re going for a live mentor there are a number of ways to go about it.  You can try to go the intern method which is detailed amazingly here.  Or you can go the paid method by hiring a coach or trainer.  You should definitely click here to see if we’re in your area for coaching.

Getting a partner in crime

Start by asking your buddies to read The Anti-Pickup Line.  Single, in a relationship, whatever — you never know who this is going to resonate with.

Don’t be evangelical.  Most men are loathe to admit how much help they need in this area, and proselytizing only makes them defensive.  Tell them you read a book that changed YOUR life and that you’d love for them to read it and discuss.

When you get interest, take them out with you using the practicing structure I described above.

Poof, voila!  6 months, hundreds of interactions, and a shitton of fear later, you’ll be an overnight success 🙂

 

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