Multiple Girlfriends: 9 rules to make multiple relationships work

Not long ago, I got one of the best compliments of my life.  It was from a girl I had just started seeing.  When I asked her impression of me she said, “I think you are with a lot of women and you treat them all very well.”  It made me so happy because there is this cultural belief that if you see multiple women, you are a monster and a heartless player.  That doesn’t have to be the case.  You can see multiple girls and still be a good dude.

The structure I’ve covered up until here will lay the groundwork for you to make the same impression.  It’s honest, sexual, and unashamed.  It’s also about leaving everyone better than you found them.  It’s a potent cocktail.

Still, managing open relationships can be HARD.  You need to do things differently than all of your role models have before you (after all, how many people do you know in multiple healthy relationships?).  You’re exploring new territory.  So for this part you’re going to need to expand your mind and overcome some serious cultural programming.

Some history . . .

Any anthropologist worth his salt will tell you that Homo sapiens evolved in non-monogamous settings (though there is still debate over whether those were more harem-like Gorilla societies or free loving bonobo societies).  The rise of sexual exclusivity likely didn’t occur until the last 10,000 years with the rise of agriculture and private property.  10,000 years don’t mean shit to evolution.  Men and women alike, we’re biologically hardwired to seek multiple sexual partners concurrently.  You can place all the cultural software you want on top of it.  The instinct is still there.

Now I don’t tell you this so that you immediately break up with your girlfriend and live in accordance with “natural order.”  Nor do I tell you so that you can calmly explain it to your girlfriend and begin to comfortably date openly.  She’s liable to freak the fuck out.

I tell you this so you can say, “SCREW what I’ve been told is the natural order.  It’s a total load of crap anyway.  I’m going to do what feels right to me.”

Whether you prefer monogamy or non-traditional relationships doesn’t matter much to me.  But you need to realize that there is no divine fiat or immutable natural law that dictates one being better than the other.  It is not wrong to want to date and love multiple people at the same time, nor is it wrong to stay in a monogamous relationship.  Neither has objective justification.

Step one for a successful open relationship is to get that through your head and into your heart.  Read Sex at Dawn or The Ethical Slut for a full exploration of this topic.  For now, take it from me: 2014’s prejudice against open relationships is misguided.

Live however the hell you want.

Now for the steps to managing dating multiple girlfriends!

1) Find your North Star

Get real here.

In a perfect world, what would your relationships with women look like?  Forget what your friends want.  Forget what society wants.  Forget what you think is possible.

You have no idea what is possible.

Decide what sort of relationship you would want if you were John Mayer and every girl in the world were begging for the chance to see you.

Do you want a girlfriend?  Do you want a bunch of one-night stands?  Do you want 3 girls you are seeing who love you as much as an exclusive girlfriend would, and the freedom to meet new girls as well?

Lock this in.  This is where you are going.  This is your North Star.  You need to be crystal clear and confident on this because if you choose open relationships, you will face some heavy emotional pushing to compromise on this point.  It is in those times that you will need to look to your North Star and follow it, despite the temptation to cave.

I decided that I wanted multiple girlfriends.  I wanted to love different things in different girls and I wanted the freedom to never stop exploring.  I decided that if you offered me the most perfect girl in the world on one hand, and the most perfect girl in the world plus the freedom to meet other great girls on the other, I’d take the other.

Know your goals and reassess often.  Don’t pursue a lifestyle you don’t want.  Don’t settle.

2) Be Honest

Rule #1 importance-wise.  Never lie.  Ever.  You are a piece of shit if you lie about this because you WILL devastate girls.

You’ve probably never gotten this real with people.  You’ve probably never told someone you care about them but refuse to date them exclusively.  If you’re caught off guard, you might revert to an easy lie.  So plan for the tough questions.

Seriously, proper planning is 50% of leading a moral life.  I’ll write more on this later, but for now take it from me: you need to plan for these questions.

Her:  Why won’t you date me?
Me:  I will date you.  I won’t date anyone exclusively though.

Her:  If you love me then why am I not enough?
Me:  Love does not mean being my entire world.  I love my best friend, but if he told me to drop all my other friends and go exclusive with him, it would be over.  There are too many wonderful, beautiful people for me to shut any doors.  And I am so happy that I maintained those open doors, because if I had been exclusive with some other girl, I wouldn’t have you in my life.

Her:  Did you hook up with someone else?
Me:  Before we ask this question of each other, we need to set some ground rules.  I am happy to talk about this and I want you to feel comfortable telling me about people you’ve been with if you want.  Personally, I won’t be asking, but you should feel free to tell me if it is important to you.  If you want to know who I have been with I will tell you things that don’t violate their privacy.  But regardless, you should know the answer has NO bearing on my feelings towards you.

These questions and more are all coming your way.  So know what the truth is and represent it wholly and thoughtfully.

My general philosophy: I do this because I know the world is full of amazing women.  I am 25 and I’d be cheating myself if I let any one of them, no matter how awesome, stop me from exploring the rest.  If I’m spending any amount of time with you it means I think you are an amazing person.  But exclusivity is not an option.

3) Manage expectations by controlling the cadence

Guys wind up in monogamous relationships they never intended to be in because things snowball out of control.

There is nothing wrong with monogamy, assuming that’s what you want.  But don’t close your eyes and let the relationship steer you.  Take control of where things are going.

If you are seeing a girl 3 times a week and speaking everyday, things are getting more serious.  Which is fine.  Just don’t wind up in that situation because you are humoring her.  Decide and manage the cadence of your relationship.

A few general guidelines:

Just hookups – Only contact her when you have something of importance to say or are planning to see her.  Plan on seeing her no more than once a week and usually only at night/the following morning.  Tell her you like that things are casual between the two of you and that you are happy there is no boyfriend/girlfriend expectation.

This can become friends with benefits or casual dating depending on when you see each other and what you do (dates, etc) but the management principle is the same: see each other no more than once a week to keep things where they are.  Compliment her on being cool and independent.  Tell her frequently that you want to remain single.

Open girlfriend – You have full license and encouragement to be as affectionate and loving as possible.

Be saccharine sweet.  You have my permission.

You can talk every day if you want.  You can say I love you.  But you need to be damn clear that things ARE NOT exclusive and they ARE NOT moving towards exclusivity.

A lot of girls think that after a period of time in an open relationship, you’ll come around.  That like “all guys,” you just want to have your cake and eat it too.

Explain that you aren’t looking to trade up.  Openness is a priority and a value in your life and it is not changing, even if you are swept off your feet.

Though you should be as loving as possible, what you need to manage are the rules you implicitly set up.  Habits create expectations.  

Think twice before establishing a:

  • Text cadence that demands a response every five minutes.
  • Every day goodnight call
  • “Drop in” policy at each other’s apartments
  • History of checking in with one another on night’s when you are out separately

These practices become common law for the relationship and can wind up causing issues if you are seeing someone else.

One last thing, for any non-closed relationship: Do NOT ever hide that you are seeing other people.  If you’re hiding something it means that you think it deserves to be hidden.  She’s taking her cues from you and you need to communicate with your whole essence that seeing other people is totally cool.

Closed – Society is pushing all relationships this way.  If this is what you want, you really shouldn’t have any issue.  If you are having issues there are 2 possible reasons:

  1. You lucked into the girl you are with (drunkenly?) and she now realizes you aren’t what she hoped.  You don’t have a problem getting a girlfriend.  You have a lifestyle problem.  Check out some of our other stuff and focus on becoming a cool, non-needy guy.  Girlfriends will happen to you.
  2. You aren’t great at sex.  Good news.  There is a cure.  Like charisma, sexual prowess isn’t something you are either born with or forever cursed to lack.  Sex is like anything else, it’s just a skill.  Master it and your dating life with change in a massive way!

4) Consider the label

You probably don’t care whether you call it an “open relationship” or say that you are “single but seeing someone.”  I know I didn’t.  The label to me was secondary to the actual reality of our interaction.

Future Charlie to Past Charlie: Wrong idea bro.  I promise you: SHE CARES WHAT YOU CALL IT.  A lot.  If you introduce her as your “girlfriend” that  gets noticed and it will be played back in her head for a week.  Again, nothing wrong with calling her your girlfriend.  But do not take labels lightly.  They can literally make or break a relationship.

Why?  Because if a girl is in a non-traditional relationship, she has to justify it to herself and her friends.  And they probably won’t like it.

It’s one thing for her not to keep tabs on that guy she is seeing, especially if you are both still “single.”  It’s totally another for her to have an “open relationship” and accept that her “boyfriend” is hooking up with other people.  Words matter.

Pro tip:  Don’t call it open.  Call it single.

5) Communicate the heck out of it

News flash: one conversation 2 months in about the status of your relationship does not represent a binding contract.  For most girls, you’ll need to keep your antennae up and allow the “What are we?” conversation to come up on a semi-regular basis.  It’s no fun.  Sorry.

It doesn’t matter how black and white you were about “never dating exclusively” in the beginning.  Part of her thinks that just might change.  So be aware and deal with feelings of confusion or jealousy openly.

Read the Ethical Slut for more on this.  Candid communication is the bedrock of any successful long-term (open) relationship.

6) Win the friends

Her friends are your judge, jury and executioner.  Remember their names. Speak to them alone.  Learn what they do and connect.  A girl can be crazy about you, but if her friends make her feel like shit for seeing you, you’re done.

If you get into a long-term relationship where you are “open boyfriend/girlfriend,” make it a point to show her friends what she means to you.  Commit random acts of thoughtfulness and loop them in.  Surprise her with a gift at her apartment.  Enlist her roommate’s help in making sure it arrives at the correct address and it set up correctly.  Thank her for her help.  Let her share in the happiness and thoughtfulness of the act and she will love you for it.

7) Keep her best interests in mind

Is she better off for having met you?  If the answer is no, you owe it to her to cut things off.

This means you need to seriously assess if she is emotionally handling the “openness” well.  Some girls struggle with it.  Some girls handle it super easily.  But after a few months, it is fairly common for her feelings to shift, so stay aware.

It may go without saying, but you should be willing to let her see other guys.  You’re probably going to have to work on your own jealousy, which is a whole ‘nother ball game.  The long and short of it is this:

Jealousy is just selfishness and low self-image.  It is the concern that she will do something or find someone that she likes more than you.  Shitty dudes deal with this by limiting the freedom of the girls the date.  You see it all the time in exclusive relationships.  Guy won’t let her go out, or if he does, won’t let her speak to anyone and freaks out if she does.  If she can’t do anything new, the dude’s position at the center of her universe won’t be threatened.

Know that you are awesome, independent of anyone she might like more.  Accept that she might find someone who suits her better.  Those things have NO BEARING on your value.  Don’t try to buoy your self-worth by placing it in her hands and then defending it from other suitors.  Keep your self-worth internal.  You are worthwhile not because any girl likes you, but because you are living a good life (you are living a good life, right?)

8) Get your values in sync

Some girls enter into open relationships hesitantly.  They have been conditioned to think poorly of them.  But they like you enough that they aren’t willing to not see you at all.  So they try it.

As time wears on, feelings of jealousy and insecurity will start to rival her attraction for you.  It will make her sad.  People are 100x more likely to avoid pain than pursue joy, so this can be a game breaker.  Ben and I have both been dumped for this reason.

If you want to go the long haul with a girl in an open relationship (1 year +) you need to get your values in sync.  She needs to agree that being open is good and worthwhile.  She needs to see jealousy as a challenge to be worked through, not a pain to flee from.

9) Realize you can’t win them all

Be awesome.  Get good in bed.  That will help.

But by only pursuing open relationships, you’re going to lose wonderful girls.

And you have to be willing to let them walk away.  It sucks.  It stings like a bitch.

Open relationships can be a recipe for instability.  They are about growing and stretching and pushing past content for extraordinary.  That means some uncomfortable and some unhappy along the way.


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27 Responses to “Multiple Girlfriends: 9 rules to make multiple relationships work”

  • Awesome article. I live this way these days and its nice to see someone make such a good non psychobabble synopsis of it.

    I usually hit them with it on the first date. I ask them what they are looking for in a guy, which leads them to ask me the same question, and i lead that to that i am not looking for a girlfriend in the traditional sense of the term, that i want to keep things casual and not too serious, and that im not into hookups or one night stands, that i want to see someone regularly for dates and activities as well as maybe more between the sheets.

    Ive only had one flat out reject it. The rest landed in my bed in a couple of dates if not on the first. The one who rejected it kept rattling about monogamy she said the word so many times it made me cringe after a while. She freaked out when i made comment that another girl was pretty, or an ex girlfriend was hot. When she pressed me on the monogamy thing saying no sex until monogamy, id had enough.

    I told her wed only been on two dates and id never give up seeing other girls just to see what sex was like with one id never had it with. She retorted that we talked on the phone for hours but i came back with that weve never had sex, so her version of “monogamy” she was demanding was in fact celibacy. That i was to stop dating other girls for the first prerequisite to have a *chance* at sleeping with her was lunacy. She didnt get it. Havent talked to her since.

    I contrast this above story with anoher girl i met while multi dating. She was multi dating herself and i adore her, id actually marry the girl and go monogamous with her if given the chance. I knew she was going on other dates and sometimes she would cut a date short and come over to my house afterward because she wasnt into the guy. She ended up moving out of the city and into a boyfriends house as part of the move but still occasionally come over and have sex with me. I knew what was going on but the boyfriend likely didnt – she is on pills and he is using rubbers and im not with her, he doesnt know shes on the pills. The point im illustrating here is that i know full well she is living with and presumably sleeping with her cohabiting boyfriend, that she may even be seeing guys other than him or me, and i dont care at all. I find her adorable and still love her to bits – without a hint of jealousy. That she talks to me every day and comes over for mad sex in the afternoon and makes me feel like a god, thats what i love about her. I could care less about someother dude.

    In contrasting these two examples it reinforces your article.

    The woman who demanded monogamy as a prerequisite to sex obviously had some self esteem issues because she couldnt bear me even making comment that a previous and now ex girlfrie d was very attractive (hence why i put up with her crazy) . There was zero foundation for any kind of a relationship as id barely known her a week and met her once plus about 15 hours on the phone. To drop the other 6 girls i was talking to for a chance with her would be ludicrous. She was maybe a 4/5.

    The girl who was dating other people and has a boyfriend, ive been seeing for six months now and were still going strong (albeit the boyfriend thing is a pain in the neck at times). With events unfolding as theyare, i will spare personal details, i wouldnt doubt that she ends up breaking up with her boyfriend, seeing me more often, and looking at moving back into town and maybe going exclusive with me within a few months. She sees that i love her the same when she lives two blocks away while dating other guys as i do when shes sleeping with another guy almost every night because she lives with him and hes her boyfriend. Thats love.

    Great article again

  • Is there a way to figure out what you want before trial and error? I have a friend with benefits and I don’t care if he sees other people, but he didn’t call me for a couple weeks bc he was busy which I don’t mind except he never said in busy I’ll call you in a couple weeks he just kept not picking up or saying he was busy which made me angry. I feel like I wasn’t supposed to get angry at this because it’s a fwb relationship, so instead I just went back on okcupid and went on a couple dates. When we hung out again I was just less into him because I kinda emotionally detached. I told him I was annoyed he hadn’t called and was worried he felt incompatible and he didn’t have a clue he was hard to reach. So… How do you navigate these situations? I feel like I want to date casually because I’m exploring and focused on my career but I also want someone who a) wants to hang out b) wants to have great sex c) calls/texts at least once a week. I don’t have to hang every week but just some contact that they initiate. So advice/help?

    Also, while I’m asking you questions, does having sex with a guy make them like you less if you have it on the second date because it’s not enough of a challenge even if you both really want it?

    • So you can have whatever rules you want. The important thing is just to make them clear.

      In this situation, you didn’t do that. You left it unspoken. He thought it was okay to not contact you. That pissed you off.

      Instead, just calmly discuss this sort of thing early in the relationship. Like right after having sex for the first time at the latest. If you do it from a non-needy place, it won’t come off as creepy stalker. You can just relaxed, say something like, “So that was fun. I have no idea where this is going, but I know I’m not interested in a serious monogamous relationship.

      If they are “hard to reach” still bring things up. If you get a stonewall, just be like “So I’m not mad, but I just want you to know, that I need more open communication in whatever we become. So seriously no hard feelings, but I don’t want to continue seeing you if we can’t openly discuss what we are.”

      The key is to remain calm and truly have the attitude that if they don’t want to behave by a certain set of ground rules (ie communicating clearly about the relationship) that it’s better off ending, no hard feelings.

      To your second question, I can’t speak for all men. I can say that sex is important to ME and I think the idea of being a “challenge” is horribly backwards and misogynistic. If a girl and I like one another and there is chemistry, we should hook up as soon as we have privacy. That freedom would make me like her more. After all, why would I think less of someone for sleeping with me?

  • All nice and well. But what I’m searching for is a harem. I find all this ‘equal open search stuff’ understandable. But I want a true harem with girls who would only be allowed to adore me, how would i achieve this? You’re talking about your instincts free of cultural programming; my deepest instinct says: I want a bunch of girls whom I can date with whenever it pleases me, but they can’t date other guys. How will I achieve this? I think this is thé true challenge a lot of us guys face. Because letting that wonderfull girl leave if she doesn’t concur with your open relationship deal isn’t an option. And please don’t ignore or do away with this comment saying i’m unfair, selfish or a monster. What i describe is a true dream for many guys but they can’t even bear to think about achieving it because it seems so utterly impossible and thus pointless. I’m very curious about your response.

    • As long as two adults are in a consenting relationship, they can do whatever they want. So I’m not here to pass judgment on what you want.

      What you’ve said though traps you. You want something that not many women are going to go for. Yet you don’t want to let women you like walk away. The tough news is that you have to either let people who don’t want what you do walk away or you have to change the relationship so it fits what they want. You can’t just take any person and convince them to join an untraditional relationship. At some level they have to be open to it.

      Best bet: look for women who would be open to what you want. Bi sexual women come to mind. Be honest and open about what you want early. Screen out those who aren’t interested. You are going to miss out on a lot of women who don’t want the that kind of relationship, but I know people who happily have that arrangement you describe. It isn’t impossible.

      • You offered some idea that might be good on this way. However, I think it should be treated more openly.
        The whole population on the Earth is very large. Personally I believe that there are always some (at least millions of, per a man’s need) women who can satisfy your need. There may be a logical problem: if man wants a harem, how is it possible to provide enough women? the gender rate is about 1:1!
        However, I don’t think everything must to work by logic. The fact is, there are always a lot of men who only want a wife. Some others look for a harem.
        I personally handle what I want by a kind of opened-mind. Just like you’ve said : “Know your goals and reassess often. Don’t pursue a lifestyle you don’t want. Don’t settle.” Keep your clear goal having more possible solutions.

    • You have raised a good point, Thomas. Do you guys REALLY think that we don’t play you the same way that you play us? We also categorize men – husband material, boyfriend for now, and summer trash. And because we are women, we can have many of you as we like, whenever we like, as often as we like.

      Don’t kid yourselves. You may THINK we are after you for an engagement ring, but realistically that is what we are supposed to say in order to be socially acceptable. We can’t be obvious. But we are just as horny as you are.

      • Thank you, Thank you, Thank you I’ve been waiting to hear everything you just said word for word my entire life!

        With so many women being strippers, pornstars, or ‘sluts’ it should seem obvious that women love sex….

        But at the same time so many men can’t get laid to save their lives.

        I think religion…(i.e. the bible) has truly fucked up our ideas around sex creating so much more secretive perversion and sex in dark corners never to be spoken of again

        Like Catholic priests molesting children or scat porn both are 2 of the craziest things I’ve ever heard of.

        It’s very difficult for most men to understand this because for whatever reason schools never actually teach us the truth about sex

        and we are never suppose to talk about it openly in public

        Many if not most men are just as self conscious and uninformed about as most women!

    • Lol… be a muslim first… you have to marry the women though, 4 women, 4 houses, 4 families, 4 big troubles, dividing your time and money evenly among these 4. The practising muslims do this. No extramarital sex, though. Not even looking, peeking, nothing… just you and your wives…

  • This article has given me a sense of satisfaction that can’t be described but as pure happiness. I was courted by one of these men who was able to be in love with multiple girls, I had always wondered why. Even years later when we went our separate ways. He has now come back into my life and I’m overjoyed. I can now date him whilst he’s dating more women and not feel bad or guilty. Thank you haha you gave me a sense of “it’s okay”. I thought I was a freak for being okay with him dating me and another. We can now all be happy and in love. <3

    • So happy to hear that Gia! More than anything I think it’s great that people are becoming more comfortable living the lives and having the types of relationships they want as opposed to feeling like they need to fit some societal mold. If it makes you happy, I say go for it 🙂

  • Thank you. This article has really been a god-send.

    I was here thinking that you couldn’t love a girl and not be exclusive.

    It was a really sad thought. I was prepared to see my current FWB relationship end, because she fell for me and I fell for her, but I just can’t be exclusive.

    This article was written so beautifully.

    You have a real skill/talent.

    I am going to soak this article up and check out the books.

    I will be checking this site out after reading this wonderful article.

    I am just so relieved to know that I don’t have to be exclusive, in order to form something truly beautiful with a girl.

  • Being open and honest with it that’s the main thing. However I think most people would try to hide this, and you can always tell when somebody is seeing other people. The relationship is lacking, it’s not giving 100%. The intimacy level really suffers usually the sex suffers too. However that lacking might be that somebody would have been lying. I don’t know since it’s only been hidden (not for long). I don’t know anybody that’s been open and honest with it and the people I do know are swingers that are open and honest with it, but they see other people behind each other’s backs.
    I think it’s fine if you NEVER want a one-on-one relationship. Once you’re seeing multiple people sexually it is way harder for you to go back to a monogamous relationship. You get used to spreading yourself thin and your partner gets used to getting only that much from you.

    • I met this woman, Tammy, in 8 years ago in Irvine, Orange County, when I just divorced. At first we had relationship for a few times. Then she turned me down. She told me I am a such a nice guy, but I am not her type. Because she had had relationship with wealthy old guys in orange county . I turned around and met a very wonderful lady , but Tammy kept contacting me. I told Tammy I had been dating a very wonderful lady that I was in love with,but Tammy kept tantalizing me,we started having relationship again and again. I had to lie and lie to my girlfriend .Ended up my lies were contradict . My girlfriend didn’t trust me at all and left . I hated myself and hated being a liar and cheater.

      Allen Keven de Jesus

  • Great stuff!! I can recognise myself is so so much of what you are writing. This is the type of life I have been living for a few years now. Open relationships resonate strongly with me but there sure have been bumps in the road, and there still are ofc. It’s just such a nice thing to see likeminded people study and reverberate on this topic. Also nice to see that there our experiences and ideas are so similar.

    Much love!

  • I am curious how it is working out for the long term? I am exploring polyamore with my long-term romantic partner. We are both middle aged and divorced after long marriages. I am open and transparent explaining I am not searching to find someone better to replace her but that I want to experience life with multiple people. I have told her about two woman I interaction with when I work overseas. (they know about my lover) It is not sexual but very engaging. She is working hard to accept, and wants me to be true to myself, and grow but finds herself jealous and insecure. We continue to dialog a lot. My question. Do I tell her when i have met another woman and want to go out on a first date? Do i tell her each time I am going out on a date? How much detail? When i go out she wants to know what my experience was like. Is this OK?

    • Everyone has to decide for themselves what rules they want. I have done “don’t ask, don’t tell” and full disclosure. They have advantage and disadvantages

      Don’t ask, don’t tell typically creates less feelings of jealousy. Especially when overseas. But it’s not fully “open.” You can’t be your full self or talk about certain topics, like how much you enjoy the company of these other women.

      So for “dating” don’t ask, don’t tell can be fine. It also works if the “other women” are confined to a certain portion of your life (only when overseas, for instance).

      Personally, right now, my ideal is to have a woman with whom I have a truly “open” relationship, not just in the sexual sense. Meaning there is nothing I have to avoid telling her, nothing she can’t ask. And the truth of what I want and how I feel is not upsetting to her. I’ll keep you posted 😉

  • I’m interested in a poly guy with 2 girlfriends, my ex. I’m entertaining the pros and cons of what a relationship would be like. Please tell me if you see a problem with my logic.

    Pros: 1) I don’t want to pass on my genes, but would like to raise my partners child if he wants one. A poly relationship would make sense for this. 2) I am incredibly attracted to him and would get to be with him while he has enough women to be satisfied, hopefully. I only find someone that I want once every 4 years.

    Cons: 1) I am skeptical of the ability of someone to meet my emotional needs when they have other significant others. That inherently makes you less significant. Your partner has less time and energy for you. “Sorry, I can’t be there for your birthday cuz I have a date.” I only need and want one guy. Finding others to fill a potential void seems overly complicated. I have other shit to do. 2) I care what others think. Even when I see people in open or multi relationships, my instinct is that someone in there is just not that into the other and wants to keep their options open. I don’t want people to think I’m desperate or a loser.

  • I hate you.

    Being with multiple girls means that you don’t love them because it lowers their level to you.
    We have multiple friendships because quite frankly we can easily give them up.

    Having sex with multiple girls basically means that you don’t understand us. It takes me my entire life to bond with someone, to beleive in someone and they take it away because they don’t understand how much it takes for me to love someone. I was shattered before them. I decided to love them despite the circumstances and they spew this shit at me.

    This means so much to me because it shows I trust them not to hurt me. Any human being should have the compassion to understand that I’m trying to give up hating humanity. Humanity is selfish. Even I am selfish for wanting them to understand me.

    I am like this because I think that love just isn’t that you just enjoy someone, it’s that you become selfless because of it.

    This shit is just because you want sex. This shit is because people are toys to you. This shit is what causes people to view themselves so differently. You take away the meaning of it. Why bother treating one girl nice, when you can have a harem of orgasms and fucking. Have two girls kiss because it’s “hot”, when so very likely they hate eachother and just want to be your number 1.

    I hate you because our emotions are so easy to manipulate. Why do you think that we rise up once in a while? Because we’re not okay with it.

    Have a great day, and THINK about people once in a while, TRULY. Do what’s best for others, not yourself.

    • Sorry Samantha, but I would have to disagree.

      I find only loving one person is selfish because you wish to be the number ONE in something or for someone. Because you feel this is the only way YOU can feel important. To me, this is not a healthy way of living.

      If you have so much to offer because you have a beautiful soul, would you not want to share it with the world??

      I feel like being in multiple relationships is moving forward, whereas being exclusive seems to me like it causes people to be less free of what they truly want. I constantly see people, men and women alike, unhappy because they are exclusive. I also had friends break all ties with others because they were exclusive, and when they broke up, they had no one to go to.

      As for me, exclusivity wasn’t working. I was finding feelings of jealousy and distrust when my doors were shut, and this was all created in my mind. My girl wasn’t cheating and wished to stay with me, but because of my negative traits, I was being controlling, much like the author written above. On top of that, I felt hindered in talking to others, I was more reserved and quiet, which was bringing me back to the person I no longer wished to be.

      Naturally, when I left the doors open I was able to reel people in, they were attracted to my light and positive attitude. This doesn’t mean I have sex with them, I just felt more expressive and more confident and would then have amazing conversations with individuals. I feel the only way in solving my jealousy and distrust is to be free. I feel monogamy was keeping me enslaved to the “norm”.

    • I agree with you. Liking many girls at a time and sharing time with them doesn’t mean love. Love is way away from this concept. Yes, as long as we are attractive and a person whom with many girls want to be with is not forever state. After this phase comes a day where we want to know what we really are and what we really mean to all these girls, when they say they love us. We can clearly understand that IT is not love. If we are doing this to have a constant thought that we are desirable, wantable then may be this approach might be okay for some years. People get hurt in this process, even though they are able to understand…i don’t think it’s a way to be..playing with others emotions for our selfishness. Physical relationships are better than having multiple emotional relationships. Never bring word love into this.

  • Loved this article I have always been a open relationship type girl able love and be with multiple people at the Same time my recent boyfriend has come to me about wanting to try a harem type relationship but has also asked me to marry him how would this work ..he wants to try it for 2 months then rediscuss both our needs and wants any advice would be appreciated I truly love this man and am Willing to share

  • Wow!! When are you visiting Portland?! Reading this sounds like I’m reading my own advise!! Thank you, thank you!! I’ve been in the lifestyle for many years. I’m married, have a boyfriend, and my husband and I are in love and dating the same woman. It’s awesome!! And we have purely sexual playdates, as well. You are so spot on with your advice!! Thank you!!

  • When the baboon bites the shit out of his haram for going astray is it jealousy?
    Probably not in the baboons case, its about passing down his genetics. Some people dont want to have their own kids or any kids at all but I happen to see where the baboon is coming from. I wouldn’t bite anyone but I would prefer to raise my own kids of my own genetics, especially since each child is such a sacrifice to raise.
    If we study theology we see in the bible for example that the god of Israel was a jealous god for his people. In that he didn’t want his people to worship other gods nor suffer the strange rituals that went along with worshiping these other gods…Psycho control freak boyfriend is not a positive or logical form of jealousy. Its irrational to think you could eliminate ones free will without substantial mind control or trauma and even then people have been known to break their mind control programming i.e. Randal Turner.
    Everyone is gonna do their own thing but I prefer not to share my women. They will do what they want and what I can do is continue to work on the emotionally intimate, and spiritual aspects of our relationship and continue to support them in healthy aspects of their lives. And since I am also entitled to do my own thing I don’t have to support them or condone them in acts i don’t approve of.

  • I deeply have same thought with this article. More accurately, what Thomas said is totally what I want. A true harem of my definition.

    Before I met this article, I had seriously written down what relationship I want by spending many months. And then I started to search articles which were related to my will. And then soon I found this! I personally see it as a symbol which refers that my dream is going to be true. I really want it realised!

    I appreciate that there are many people who have same thought. To dream and simultaneously forget programming that society give you, then find what relationship you really want even if so many people possiblely want it, too.

    Even before finding this article, I had already told myself that by having a harem, being honest is extremely important, because I think there’s nothing I need to hide with my wives. I believe that being honest is the best way to make a harem relationship happy and on the right way.

    I would like to thank you so much that you offered a very wisely open-mind viewpoint sharing, which supports whatever you want an open relationship or an exclusive harem or something else. No limited beliefs or programming in it. Everything is depends on what dream do you like.

    • Thanks for this. Sensible in every sense. It’s about respecting everyone, including yourself. It’s tricky, but can be extremely rewarding.

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