9 responses

  1. Taylor
    June 15, 2014

    Awesome article. I live this way these days and its nice to see someone make such a good non psychobabble synopsis of it.

    I usually hit them with it on the first date. I ask them what they are looking for in a guy, which leads them to ask me the same question, and i lead that to that i am not looking for a girlfriend in the traditional sense of the term, that i want to keep things casual and not too serious, and that im not into hookups or one night stands, that i want to see someone regularly for dates and activities as well as maybe more between the sheets.

    Ive only had one flat out reject it. The rest landed in my bed in a couple of dates if not on the first. The one who rejected it kept rattling about monogamy she said the word so many times it made me cringe after a while. She freaked out when i made comment that another girl was pretty, or an ex girlfriend was hot. When she pressed me on the monogamy thing saying no sex until monogamy, id had enough.

    I told her wed only been on two dates and id never give up seeing other girls just to see what sex was like with one id never had it with. She retorted that we talked on the phone for hours but i came back with that weve never had sex, so her version of “monogamy” she was demanding was in fact celibacy. That i was to stop dating other girls for the first prerequisite to have a *chance* at sleeping with her was lunacy. She didnt get it. Havent talked to her since.

    I contrast this above story with anoher girl i met while multi dating. She was multi dating herself and i adore her, id actually marry the girl and go monogamous with her if given the chance. I knew she was going on other dates and sometimes she would cut a date short and come over to my house afterward because she wasnt into the guy. She ended up moving out of the city and into a boyfriends house as part of the move but still occasionally come over and have sex with me. I knew what was going on but the boyfriend likely didnt – she is on pills and he is using rubbers and im not with her, he doesnt know shes on the pills. The point im illustrating here is that i know full well she is living with and presumably sleeping with her cohabiting boyfriend, that she may even be seeing guys other than him or me, and i dont care at all. I find her adorable and still love her to bits – without a hint of jealousy. That she talks to me every day and comes over for mad sex in the afternoon and makes me feel like a god, thats what i love about her. I could care less about someother dude.

    In contrasting these two examples it reinforces your article.

    The woman who demanded monogamy as a prerequisite to sex obviously had some self esteem issues because she couldnt bear me even making comment that a previous and now ex girlfrie d was very attractive (hence why i put up with her crazy) . There was zero foundation for any kind of a relationship as id barely known her a week and met her once plus about 15 hours on the phone. To drop the other 6 girls i was talking to for a chance with her would be ludicrous. She was maybe a 4/5.

    The girl who was dating other people and has a boyfriend, ive been seeing for six months now and were still going strong (albeit the boyfriend thing is a pain in the neck at times). With events unfolding as theyare, i will spare personal details, i wouldnt doubt that she ends up breaking up with her boyfriend, seeing me more often, and looking at moving back into town and maybe going exclusive with me within a few months. She sees that i love her the same when she lives two blocks away while dating other guys as i do when shes sleeping with another guy almost every night because she lives with him and hes her boyfriend. Thats love.

    Great article again

  2. Kate
    July 11, 2014

    Is there a way to figure out what you want before trial and error? I have a friend with benefits and I don’t care if he sees other people, but he didn’t call me for a couple weeks bc he was busy which I don’t mind except he never said in busy I’ll call you in a couple weeks he just kept not picking up or saying he was busy which made me angry. I feel like I wasn’t supposed to get angry at this because it’s a fwb relationship, so instead I just went back on okcupid and went on a couple dates. When we hung out again I was just less into him because I kinda emotionally detached. I told him I was annoyed he hadn’t called and was worried he felt incompatible and he didn’t have a clue he was hard to reach. So… How do you navigate these situations? I feel like I want to date casually because I’m exploring and focused on my career but I also want someone who a) wants to hang out b) wants to have great sex c) calls/texts at least once a week. I don’t have to hang every week but just some contact that they initiate. So advice/help?

    Also, while I’m asking you questions, does having sex with a guy make them like you less if you have it on the second date because it’s not enough of a challenge even if you both really want it?

    • Charlie
      July 16, 2014

      So you can have whatever rules you want. The important thing is just to make them clear.

      In this situation, you didn’t do that. You left it unspoken. He thought it was okay to not contact you. That pissed you off.

      Instead, just calmly discuss this sort of thing early in the relationship. Like right after having sex for the first time at the latest. If you do it from a non-needy place, it won’t come off as creepy stalker. You can just relaxed, say something like, “So that was fun. I have no idea where this is going, but I know I’m not interested in a serious monogamous relationship.

      If they are “hard to reach” still bring things up. If you get a stonewall, just be like “So I’m not mad, but I just want you to know, that I need more open communication in whatever we become. So seriously no hard feelings, but I don’t want to continue seeing you if we can’t openly discuss what we are.”

      The key is to remain calm and truly have the attitude that if they don’t want to behave by a certain set of ground rules (ie communicating clearly about the relationship) that it’s better off ending, no hard feelings.

      To your second question, I can’t speak for all men. I can say that sex is important to ME and I think the idea of being a “challenge” is horribly backwards and misogynistic. If a girl and I like one another and there is chemistry, we should hook up as soon as we have privacy. That freedom would make me like her more. After all, why would I think less of someone for sleeping with me?

  3. Thomas
    July 14, 2014

    All nice and well. But what I’m searching for is a harem. I find all this ‘equal open search stuff’ understandable. But I want a true harem with girls who would only be allowed to adore me, how would i achieve this? You’re talking about your instincts free of cultural programming; my deepest instinct says: I want a bunch of girls whom I can date with whenever it pleases me, but they can’t date other guys. How will I achieve this? I think this is thé true challenge a lot of us guys face. Because letting that wonderfull girl leave if she doesn’t concur with your open relationship deal isn’t an option. And please don’t ignore or do away with this comment saying i’m unfair, selfish or a monster. What i describe is a true dream for many guys but they can’t even bear to think about achieving it because it seems so utterly impossible and thus pointless. I’m very curious about your response.

    • Charlie
      July 16, 2014

      As long as two adults are in a consenting relationship, they can do whatever they want. So I’m not here to pass judgment on what you want.

      What you’ve said though traps you. You want something that not many women are going to go for. Yet you don’t want to let women you like walk away. The tough news is that you have to either let people who don’t want what you do walk away or you have to change the relationship so it fits what they want. You can’t just take any person and convince them to join an untraditional relationship. At some level they have to be open to it.

      Best bet: look for women who would be open to what you want. Bi sexual women come to mind. Be honest and open about what you want early. Screen out those who aren’t interested. You are going to miss out on a lot of women who don’t want the that kind of relationship, but I know people who happily have that arrangement you describe. It isn’t impossible.

  4. Gia
    July 30, 2014

    This article has given me a sense of satisfaction that can’t be described but as pure happiness. I was courted by one of these men who was able to be in love with multiple girls, I had always wondered why. Even years later when we went our separate ways. He has now come back into my life and I’m overjoyed. I can now date him whilst he’s dating more women and not feel bad or guilty. Thank you haha you gave me a sense of “it’s okay”. I thought I was a freak for being okay with him dating me and another. We can now all be happy and in love. <3

    • Charlie
      July 31, 2014

      So happy to hear that Gia! More than anything I think it’s great that people are becoming more comfortable living the lives and having the types of relationships they want as opposed to feeling like they need to fit some societal mold. If it makes you happy, I say go for it :-)

  5. Ivan Manasuev
    October 31, 2014

    Hey Charlie, hope you can still read this even though it has been a while.
    I need your help man. I have been dating multiple girls for a while now and you have outstanding advice, a few new things I picked up.
    However this one girl I dated recently just f*cked me over a bit. She is one of those types that are ungrateful and have 0 sympathy, but are extremely outspoken.
    Little did I know she was like this, but even though I told her multiple times as we were in bed that this is nothing serious and that we are only friends, she gets really jealous and gives attitude whenever I am with other females.
    It got to the point where as a group we met up at a pub coincidentally, and she was giving so much sass and attitude that the girls I was originally friends with took her side in thinking I do not respect women and cheat on them.
    What do I do man? She is f*cking up my reputation and is really nice to me in person but not with others, and has quite some flames!

    • Charlie
      November 4, 2014

      So first thing is to sit her down and call out the behavior. Either she is under a mistaken impression that you’re cheating on her (in which case you need to be very clear that you aren’t dating and probably break things off) or she is purposely slandering you to be vindictive. You should be clear, but understanding if it is the first option, somewhere communication broke down and you need to make sure you’re on the same page. But if anyone calls you a cheater, call bullshit VEHEMENTLY. General life principle: be cognizant of people’s feelings and apologize for upsetting people even when you thought you were clear. But any time people question your honesty or your integrity, put your foot down hard. That goes for your female friends too.

      So if they accused me of cheating after hearing that girl’s version, I might say “I don’t know what she told you, but I absolutely was 100% clear with her and I 100% did not cheat on her because we are not dating. No grey area. I would never cheat. If you think I did, we have a bigger issues, because now my word is being questioned and I take that very seriously.”

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