My mental faculties used to abandon me when I needed them most.
In high school, I’d be comfortable and funny hanging out with my friends, but as soon as a pretty girl entered the room, I’d go into Defcon 5.
My ribs and chest would tighten. My mouth would lock shut. My arms would secrete glue and stick to my sides. The most I could muster was a shy smile before getting the heck out of the room.
Before a presentation, I’d have complete command over the material. But then I’d get up there and freak myself out. Once it was time to field questions, my brain would be so overcharged, I’d come off confused instead of confident – which is crazy because I KNEW the answers to the questions I was getting.
Have you had this experience? One moment you feel totally “on.” Then maybe an hour or a day later, when you wish you could just push that “on” button, it’s nowhere to be found?
This article will teach you to find that “on” button.
Just to be clear, in the moments before you need it, there isn’t anything you can do to build your baseline charisma.
Which you should. Having a high baseline charisma will change your life. You’ll earn more money, attract amazing people into your life, and get a disproportionate amount of “lucky” breakthrough opportunities.
All that is great and is in Charisma University.
But for now, let’s assume you’ve got just a few minutes, maybe only a few seconds, before you need to knock it out of the park. You’re working with the skills you’ve got.
You can still play at the top of YOUR game and come out a huge winner. Here‘s how:
Get present by allowing yourself dead time
The moments before a big encounter are often hectic.
You’re prepping questions for an interview, reviewing your pitch, wondering what you’re going to say to the person you want to talk to across the room….
Your head is racing. Best case, you’re visualizing how great it will go. Worst case, you’re imagining the flaming wreckage once you crash and burn.
Either way, bad news:
If you are off thinking about something else, doubting yourself, or reviewing of all the tactical things you need to get right, you’re crippling your charisma.
A huge component of connecting with people is being present. And you can’t do that if you’re stuck in your own head. So a few minutes before any interaction you want to go well, stop. Just stop.
Take 30 seconds to be completely anti-charismatic. I like to say “take 30 seconds to suck.”
I mean it. Don’t be social. Don’t be charismatic. Release all desire to impress anyone. Just stand there.
Be the most boring person in the room. It won’t take more than a minute or two, but don’t put a time cap on it.
If you’re in a work environment, you can go to the bathroom. Stand and breathe. If you’re in a public space, a bar or networking event, get out of conversation. Allow yourself to NOT be “on” for a period. Stand alone, without checking your phone or trying to look cool, and breathe.
You’ve probably heaped loads of pressure on yourself. This time of NOT being a social force is huge. It allows you to put the mounting expectations behind you. It allows you to clear space to actually feel good about what’s to come.
You’ll know you’re ready when your breath has deepened and your thoughts have started to slow.
Choose and embody your emotions
So you’ve punched the release valve on your tension. Now, it’s time to build the energy back up. This is massive. If you take one thing from this article, please let it be this…
When we get nervous, our body goes into a particular physical pose.
You know it. Go ahead – act it out at home.
You hunch, you lower your head, you avoid eye contact, you take up less space, your movements become hampered as you tense though your body, your breathing becomes shallow, your voice get’s quiet and shrill.
When we’re confident and composed it’s very much the reverse.
Go ahead – put on confident and composed. Just sit that way while you’re reading.
Your chin lifts, your shoulders pull back, you make comfortable eye contact, you smile, you uncross your arms, you gesticulate in large motions, your face becomes more expressive when speaking, your breath slows, your voice gets louder and deeper.
No duh, right? You knew this before. You didn’t need me to tell you that people stand up straighter when they’re feeling confident. Your mom told you that. So what’s the breakthrough here?
The breakthrough is this:
“Emotions don’t come to us, we go to them” – Tony Robbins
So if you want to feel ANY emotion at ANY point in your life—in this case confident and charismatic—all you have to do is embody it. You’ll feel it in seconds.
This is why NFL teams do this before every game:
They pump their fists, they chant with their deepest voices, they shout what they want to do (AKA “Win.”)
This is exactly what I’m suggesting you do. When you want to turn it on, stand like you would stand if you were feeling charismatic. Move like you would move. Speak like you would speak.
Even if you’re not feeling it. Decide to embody charisma.
Within a few minutes MAX, you will have completely changed how you feel. And done what most people never do: choose their emotional state. More on this here.
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Everyone has a different emotion that allows them to be their most resourceful. And if you can tap into yours on command, well, then you can be more resourceful on command…
- More humorous on command
- More spontaneous on command
- More eloquent on command
- More persuasive on command
So think back to a time you were really charismatic? How did you feel? What were your thoughts? Were you funny? Serious? Intense?
Name the emotion, because that is the one you will want to be able to turn on at a moment’s notice. Personally, I love silly, fun, and playful. I feel looser, more spontaneous, more insightful, and more persuasive.
So I aim to feel playful prior to most interactions, including most speeches. Anything I can do to facilitate “playful” is going to help. That’s why this is THE video I tend to watch before I go out to meet new people in any context:
I know. Crazy that a ridiculous dancer would help me connect better with people, but what can I say? Playful does it for me.
I recommend you find a short clip that does it for you. If your most resourceful emotion isn’t playful, that’s fine. Here are some clips that will take you in other directions. Find what’s best for you.
Charlie Chaplin – The Great Dictator
Any Given Sunday
Awe
Nike – Rise and Shine
Get social practice
World-class sprinters never run a race without stretching first. Apply the same principle to charisma and you’ll perform at a much higher level. The only difference is, stretching for a race means hamstrings and glutes. Stretching before an interaction means voicebox and ears.
If you want to interview well, force yourself to talk to the secretary, the other job applicants. If you’re about to give a speech or presentation, talk to people back stage. If you want to feel great in a bar or networking event, chat up the taxi driver, the coat check guy, and the first person you walk in and see.
And if there is absolutely no one there to speak to, talk to yourself. I run around my house doing this all the time. Yes, you’I look insane to anyone who happens to walk in on you. But you’ll be ready to blow them away with your energy.
Joke early
At the outset of a speech or a meeting or even a date, tensions are high. People are trying to present the most impressive side of themselves. This keeps people focused how they are being perceived rather than relaxing into a natural interaction.
So cut the tension with an EARLY joke.
Why early? Because if you wait until halfway through the interaction, you’ve already set the tone. Plus, the serious part of any interview or presentation is the middle. There is room to lighten the mood as people settle in.
So within the first 30 seconds of a new, important interaction, find a make to lighten the mood.
The simplest way to crack a joke is to say an obvious non-truth about a shared experience.
For instance, if you’ve got a meeting in a hot room:
“Well thanks for coming everyone. This is going to be a very informative meeting. I only wish it were just a few degrees warmer in here. If anyone needs a blanket please let me know.”
Or if you’re waiting at the bar next to someone you’ve just been introduced to and it’s taking a long time:
“It’s pretty awesome that this bar takes 45 minutes of rest between each drink they serve. That way I’m sure to be nice and sober no matter how many drinks I buy!”
Cheesy? Sure. But the point isn’t to be a world-class comedian. It’s to cut the tension inherent at the outset of every interaction. Set a comfortable tone early and you’ll instantly be more likable.
So there you go, a 5 step process to turn it “on” whenever you want.
Don’t take my word for it though, TRY it.
See how quickly you can go from feeling reserved to feeling energized and confident. Done with conviction, these steps will take you to your current peak.
But charisma doesn’t stop there.
In fact there is a TON you can do to perfect your eye contact, tonality, body language, wit, and delivery. You can level up your charisma massively. And when you take your charisma to the next level AND learn to bring it on command, that’s when you become the person who naturally draws others to you. Who makes incredible impressions everywhere you go.
If you want to inspire, impress, and energize everyone you meet, click here to learn more about CU.
Do you know the 4 emotions you need to make a great first impression every time?
If you create these 4 emotions in a SPECIFIC order, you are guaranteed to make an amazing first impression. Get the order wrong…and it won’t turn out so well. This explanatory video takes less than seven minutes to watch and is 100% free.
9 thoughts on “Charisma On Command: How To Turn It On At A Moment’s Notice”
Charlie you’re killing it with these articles! Have you watched this TED talk? http://new.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are. Interesting stuff about how striking a confident pose for just a few minutes boosts testosterone, lowers cortisol and allows you to be more present.
Thanks Chris! I definitely have seen that talk. When you incorporate speech and movement, the effects are amplified. It’s pretty awesome
I really dig this article and my email subscription, tons of useful stuff!
I’d maybe add one caveat about jokes. In larger meetings and groups it is really rare everyone shares the same sense of humor. The examples you gave were pretty catch-all and safe. So, cracking jokes, especially early, is a really divisive action. Either you win them over instantly, or you lose them for good. It is useful to smoke out the audience and find those on the same level, but this is not always necessary. Joking too early can also come off as needy or wanting validation.
There is also a mistake I see a lot where people have an off-the-mark joke, and they can feel it happened, but they push that humor even further and get more extreme trying to fish for a reaction (usually not that extreme but think Michael in “The Office”)…just know where humor falls short and let the humor mismatch be OK instead of continually pushing for a laugh. Otherwise it can go wrong really quickly.
I’ve had good luck with getting the business seriousness out of the way straight ahead (a lot of business people appreciate the directness), and then lightening the mood half-way or so to end positively. Leaves a good vibe with everyone and it is also interesting to see the room switch gears going from strict business to a more casual and communal feel which can get ideas flowing.
Sounds like a good article on charismatic humor when opening a room is in order!
Yeah, I think that makes good sense AJ. With all things, there is a certain level of calibration to the environment which is necessary. That sense comes with time (and after making a few mistakes!)
This was some great insight! I loved the video as well. Definitely going to be applying these tips!
GREAT STUFF.
I’m barely 18, but I’ve already got a pretty strong grasp on charisma (and charm, when necessary)- I’m intelligent, genuine, emphatic, and funny. But recently, I had a run-in with a girl. She was really cute, so I asked some friends about her. They said she was super nice and caring. I started talking to her, she was friendly and open and she said she thought I was cute. It seemed to be going well, and after talking to her for a little while I asked her what she thought of me and she said she didn’t know me well enough to know. I suggested lightheartedly that she should get to know me. That’s when I found out that she wasn’t interested in a relationship with anyone. I learned that this was because she’d had problems with guys in the past playing her and not really caring about anyone but themselves. I attempted to explain and convince her that I was different- that I was a good guy and that I do care about other people and that she should get to know me, but the more I did this, the more she began to pull away and then she just started avoiding me. I realized soon enough that I’d been way too pushy. I let her know that I realized I’d been being too pushy and that I was sorry. It was starting to seem like I was beginning to fix my mistake, then I started to explain why I might have been being so pushy. I went in way too deep. Afterwards, I decided that the next day I would go let her know that I really appreciated her letting me talk to her about it and jokingly saying I’m sure she really wanted to and asking if we could still be friends. All night and the next day, I kept thinking about it, running it over in my mind-
picturing myself doing it. But as soon as I started walking towards her I got this feeling it wasn’t going to go according to plan. I started sweating, my heart was pounding, and I started to have trouble swallowing. When I reached her, I was having trouble seeing- my vision was oddly blurred and I was having trouble talking. I started to say something, but it was a noisy room, I wasn’t talking very loud and I was still choking on my words. She had to lean in closer to hear me. The only things I managed to get out were thanking her for listening and asking if she could still be friends. She said something but I couldn’t hear what it was through my nervousness. I could tell she was extremely uncomfortable and that whatever I said what just to get me to go away. later i tried apologizing for being so awkward, but she just asked me to leave her alone.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, I’m sharing it because it’s a great depiction of what Charlie’s talking about. Thankfully, I’m really good at letting things go, and getting over them/ moving on quickly or I’d still be kicking myself. But to be honest, I’m almost thankful this happened. Now I’m aware of what I did wrong, and how I can keep that from happening next time. I hope that whoever reads this may may learn from it as I did… but without having to experience it. 😉
Great article. Just a point or order: I think you meant DEFCON 1 (the most extreme). DEFCON 5 is normal readiness.
Thaaaank Youuuuu 😀
Today was first day of class (Driver’s Education) and as usual, I was super duper nervous for no reason at all. I only had time to quickly read over this before it was time to go. I didn’t really want to impact the room, but I did with the people I was assigned to sit with. I did the quick shut down and I rebooted with a cheesy joke. It went something like, “Gosh driving’s gonna be so fun! Reckon they’ll make us drive around those traffic cones? I’ll probably run them all over. Care to be the flag person outside?”
From that moment, my confidence was spiked again and class actually went great. Your tips, information, and you are so amazing! Thanks so much!! <3
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