How to get girls: 5 reasons why some guys kill it while others stagnate
Stop me when I touch a nerve.
You read The Game. It’s a revelation. Dudes are getting girls without model good looks or boatloads of money. They’re doing it with force of personality. You want to learn.
So you try some of it out. To your surprise, the openers seem to work. Maybe you dive in deeper and find an online forum to discuss the finer points of Game. Maybe you post sometimes. Maybe you write field reports.
But it’s been months or years since you found The Game and the wins are slow coming. You see improvement, but it’s sporadic at best. One night you kill it. You make out with a smokeshow. You’re on top of the world. The next night, you’re getting shut down by girls you aren’t even interested in.
Months go by. You research new ways to break through your sticking points. To solve your inner game crisis. But every realization has minimal effect on your skills. Some days you even feel like you’re moving backwards.
What’s going on???
What’s going on is you’re doing it all wrong. Take this example:
I play guitar. I’m pretty good. I like to spend my time playing songs I know. Jamming out. Messing around.
I can (and have) put in hundreds of those aimless hours. Doing the same licks I know in random loops. How much better have I gotten?
Hardly any better at all. In fact, I might have gotten worse as I ingrained shitty habits!
But recently, I started spending 15 minutes a day practicing CORRECTLY. I look for songs outside my technical range and play them slowly, drilling the difficult parts over and over and over again. In two weeks I have seen more improvement than I had in the previous two years – no shitting you.
Social skills are the same way!
You can read The Game twelve times, go out every night of the week, and still see no improvement. Conversely, you can read very little, go out 3 times a week and make MASSIVE improvements.
That’s because skill acquisition requires two things:
- You need deliberate, chunkable, active practice (practicing your metaphorical guitar scales and technique)
- You need a framework (a proper structure and sequencing that will let you know where your weaknesses lie so you can focus on them)
**Note** I didn’t say hours and hours of READING. That is the way most guys in the “seduction community” prefer to improve with women. And it is completely backwards. The dude who reads and theorizes and talks and ponders the intricacies of social interactions for hours without getting out of his house will still suck at social interaction. The guy who reads enough to get out there with a decent framework and intelligently works on getting better will kill it.
So here’s how to practice so you actually GET BETTER. Here’s how to snap that cold streak of months or years without noticeable improvement. Dead serious, follow these rules 3 nights a week for 3 months and report back. You’ll be a transformed man.
So . . . rule motherfucking one:
Rule #1 STOP DRINKING
This is non-negotiable. Would you get smashed and learn how to shoot a basketball? Would you drink before learning to drive a car or play an instrument??
Then why the fuck are you doing it when learning how to get girls!?
I know why: because it’s scary. Because you get a temporary reprieve from social anxiety when the alcohol hits your belly and your consciousness fades.
It’s a trick. You’re no better with alcohol. You’re just less aware of how bad you are. It’s masking all the work that you have to do. More importantly, it makes it impossible to improve in any meaningful permanent way. When you go out sober, each night layers on the learnings of the past and builds towards being a kickass dude. When you go out drunk, you are guaranteed to stay where you are and stagnate.
No bueno. If your future relationships are important to you STOP DRINKING. I won’t harp here. Just. Stop.
Now onward and upward . . .
Rule #2 Get a framework
Imagine two dudes. I’m sure you’ve met both of them.
One of them ain’t funny. When he tells jokes, he’s constantly doing the “Oh, I forgot to tell you, the girl is blonde” thing. You’re never quite sure when the “joke” is over because it mostly just fizzles.
That guy is haphazard. He rambles aimlessly. He has no system.
Now imagine another guy. He could tell a story about watching paint dry and it’d be captivating and hilarious. He has a feel for the setup. The turn always has a sense of anticipation AND surprise. He comes back to recurring themes that get funnier every time. You find yourself laughing throughout and then doubling over when he hits the REAL punchline.
Kevin Smith gets it.
That dude knows where he is taking you. And you’re happy to be along for the ride. He has a system.
A system is crucial for practicing ANYTHING because it let’s you know where you are and what you need to work on next.
A system allows you to pinpoint exactly what you are doing well, and where things are going awry.
That’s why one guy can tell a funny story and the other can’t. The first guy knows the framework of the emotional journey he needs to take you on. He can fill in the parts as he sees fit, but he knows that there are certain elements that need to be sequenced in a certain way for the story to work.
THAT was the genius of the Mystery Method. Not any of the lines. Not the black nails or the fake fight outside (honestly, I don’t like a lot the routines he used).
But he was a genius because he developed a system so you knew where you fucking stood. So ANY guy could start at the beginning and know WHERE he was fucking things up. Which allowed him to IMPROVE the areas he is weakest on.
Contrast that with a dude with no system. Let’s say me in college. Totally plastered. As funny as the alcohol made me. As daring as I was drunk. Able to remember only snippets.
I had no system. And it didn’t matter that I was hooking up on the reg. I was fucking lost. I had no control of my social life. And I wasn’t getting any better.
That doesn’t mean I needed more information. Having a system does not mean having a PhD in Pickup-ology. Nor is it swimming in trivia such that you could kill it in Pickup Jeopardy.
You just need a solid foundation of knowledge and a general framework to support it.
Really, you only need to know the answer to one question:
What am I going to work on next?
That’s it. You do not have to memorize every play in the playbook to start learning football. You start with blocking and tackling. Then you move to routes. Then onto god knows what because I never played football.
The point stands: you don’t need encyclopedic knowledge to start getting better. You need to know where you are having trouble in your current framework. And then you need concrete specific tactics for how to practice the next level (more on this coming up).
For instance, if you’re brand new at this all you need is:
“Hi I don’t think I’ve met you yet. I’m [your name]”
Boom. Day 1 blocking and tackling covered. That’s all. Nothing about last-minute resistance. Nothing about dual induction massages for threesomes.
Why not you ask? You want to be prepared for the inevitable threesome, right?
Wrong. That obsession over knowledge is actually holding you back. When you find yourself seeking out more and more knowledge without actually putting what you already read into practice, you need to check yourself. Because you’ve become a consumer.
Rule #3 Avoid consumerism
Wuzzuh. “I thought consumerism was buying tons of shit”
Yes. But it is more than that. It is being a passive participant in the learning process.
Reading articles, watching videos, scouring forums. . . this shit is passive. 95% of the people who are learning this spend 95% of their time consuming.
If you’re spending less time ACTUALLY IN CONVERSATION than you are reading about conversation, you’re overconsuming.
Consuming is safe and easy. It feels productive. And that’s why it is the most seductive trap. Overconsuming is the number one vice of anyone who knows they can learn to be better with women but hasn’t.
Rule #4 Stop consuming and start DOING.
Yeah, yeah, you’ve heard it before. Stop consuming. Go out and do it.
So you’ll just finish this article (then maybe one or two more) and then make plans to go out and ACTUALLY practice on Friday night.
Screw that. Start practicing RIGHT FREAKING NOW.
Identify where you are in your framework. Then identify what comes next. I call this “practicing your edge.”
If you can start a conversation but girls walk away after a minute, you need to work on generating and maintaining attraction. If you can attract girls but can’t make out, you need to work on sexualizing, etc.
If you don’t have a framework, I recommend Kickassery. If you don’t know where you stand, just start with initiating a conversation.
So figure out where your edge is AND PRACTICE RIGHT NOW. Identify a specific skill you can practice. So let’s say you need help with generating attraction. You can imagine you are in conversation with a girl who just said something sassy, and practice responding “Oh my God, you are so dumped! The divorce papers are in the mail. I’m keeping the yachts. The kids are all yours.”
If you’re at home, get up and say this out loud. If you’re at work, go to the bathroom and do it.
Say it 5 times. Watch as the words get caught on your tongue and you have to refer back to the line to remember. That’s good. Those are reps you won’t have to waste while talking to a girl.
You must GET THIS INTO YOUR BODY. And the only way is to say it out loud a BUNCH OF TIMES.
Think how easy it is for you to say, “So where are you from?” or “So what do you do for a living?” It’s because you’ve said those a million times. Give yourself a chance to not revert back to those shitty habits by legitimately practicing, out loud, something new.
Whatever you do, do not fucking stop at reading it in your mind’s voice. This is a cardinal sin of the dudes who have been in the seduction community for years and still suck.
Rule #5 Build Conversational Habits
When I was learning, I’d point at Ben out of nowhere and say:
“You can’t look at me like that and not say hi”
To which he’d respond:
“You’re trouble. My mom warned me about girls like you. They only have one thing on their mind . . .”
And we’d play back and forth. Drilling strong conversational habits until they were reflex.
We spent hours building those habits, until it got to the point where Ben just has to tap my shoulder and say “go” and it’s AUTOMATIC.
I will always remember the day I realized the importance of making good conversation a habit. I was 21 years old, standing in a Vegas after party, and Ben says “go”. Off I go! And it’s not until 15 minutes later that I realize I’d isolated a fucking 10. A legit Megan Fox doppelgänger who had previously dated A-list directors.
I was in way over my head. I wound up with her number instead of a make out. But I got as far as I did because the words I needed to start a conversation were in my body. They flowed from me as easily as “How are you? Fine thanks,” flows from yours. I was able to manage the interaction at a higher level rather than pelting her with a string of non-stop boring questions like “Where are you from?” while internally swooning over how hot she was.
And when conversation fizzled, I knew where I was stuck. Kissing. So I practiced next time I was out. And the next time. And I got good enough to consistently make out.
THAT is the power of a system and deliberate practice.
SO DRILL IN YOUR HOUSE. Do it in front of the mirror.
Identify where you are in the system and PRACTICE THE SPECIFIC WAYS YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE FORWARD.
Then take it out with actionable, measurable, achievable goals
Last analogy of the day. I swear.
You’re playing Texas Hold ‘Em. You draw two Aces and the flop comes out Ace, Ace, Jack. You go all in. Your opponent calls.
He has a 10, King . . . why anyone with this hand would call, I don’t know. Just play along.
You’ve got 4 of a kind to his pair and straight flush draw. You’ve played the hand right. Your odds of winning are literally 99.9%. That’s damn near perfect poker.
Except in a shit turn of events the next two cards are suited Queen, Jack. Which gives him the straight flush and busts your 4 of a kind.
- Does your loss make you a bad poker player?
- Should you feel ashamed of the way you played?
No and no. Seems obvious.
Why? You don’t judge yourself by the outcome. You judge yourself by how well you played the hand.
We all get that with poker. But with girls it becomes totally different.
We think we are the fucking man after we go out and hook up. And we beat ourselves up when we don’t.
This is the WRONG reward pattern. These are the wrong goals.
The goal needs to be to play the hand well. Which in terms of girls means one simple thing. Practicing your edge.
If you go out and do your edge practice and girls straight up ignore you, awesome. You did the right thing. Give yourself a hand. Be proud.
But if you go out and drunkenly hook up with a smokeshow, don’t pat yourself on the back. So what if you got the outcome? You can’t replicate the process. And in a day you’ll feel like shit again when you backslide.
Don’t be like me when I play the guitar. Don’t just go out and do what is easy. Define your edge practice goals in advance. Set a goal to try a specific tactic 5 times in a night.
Guess what? These goals are the SAME ones you practiced at home. They will be in your body. So when you get out, you fucking nail them.
Make your goals PROCESS ORIENTED. Process oriented goals are not dependent on winning. They are all about playing your hand right.
That means your goal shouldn’t be to kiss a girl. It should be to attempt a specific kiss close.
Now you’ve combined sobriety, a solid framework, and deliberate practice. Give it 3 months of going out three times a week with this as your guide. You will improve like you never have before in your life.
P.S. If you REALLY want something more to help you with the framework and specific tactics, I’m compiling a video course that should be up in the next 2 weeks. Drop your email below if you want to hear more about it.